Thursday, April 28, 2011


As humans change is the one thing we fear the most. When this all started, I know I was scared to death. I thought to myself several times, "How are things going to change?" I wondered if Chaz would remember me, the kids, family, friends, everything. On January 23rd, the day after his injury, I literally walked around our house and tried to figure out how the house needed to be changed to fit Chaz's needs. Then I started thinking about everything I could change to help him and I hit a wall. I realized I had to idea what I was doing. I worried so much on my first plane ride to DC that the next morning when I woke up my forehead was sore. So there you go, scientifically proven it takes more muscles to frown than to smile.

My life has changed many times over the years and I remember being afraid until I let go of that fear and just went with my gut. As I reflect I realize I wouldn't be who I am without all of those changes. I am thankful for every adversity, every battle, every argument, all of it. I wouldn't change anything. I would not be this strong is God hadn't put me through the struggles.

I have learned so much since January 22nd. I have learned my husband is even more amazing then I ever knew. I have learned we have some pretty great kids. I have learned that I am blessed with an incredible family and support system of friends. I have learned a lot more about the Army. I have learned how much we "leg walkers" (Chaz's term) take for granted. I have learned how to think ahead when we go places. I have mastered so many new skills that I never wanted to learn how to do, but I do them. I have never wanted to be a nurse, but I am getting pretty darn good at it.

So last night one of those changes hit us. For all these years, to fall asleep I would touch Chaz's foot and then poof I would rack out. People who know me best know I am not a huggy person, nor am I touchy feely. I am a this is my space, this is yours kind of person. Those rules of course don't apply to my hubby and kids. I am becoming more of a huggy person thanks to all of this. People have just been so awesome that I just can't help myself. So last night I'm stretching out and I was looking for his foot. Obviously I didn't find it. Once I realized what I was doing I broke into laughter. Of course Chaz looks at me with this yep she lost it look. I told him what I was laughing about and then he laughed too. Old habits are hard to brake and I've looked for those feet for 12 years now, it's going to take a minute to adjust.

I know Chaz may have lost his legs, but God is going to bless us for that loss. I know God never takes something away without replacing it with something great. It is just too easy to focus on what we've lost. But when you reflect on what you have it is amazing how what you've lost becomes so trivial. But you have to choose where to direct your focus. If you focus on what you've lost then you'll continue down a negative path and will eventually self-destruct. I feel life is easier focusing on the positive.
I am not perfect, of course I've had my pity parties, I have cried over the most random things. I want to know why my hubby had to lose his legs. I want to know why to a lot of things. But rather than sitting around asking God with anger "why did you do this? Or why us? I sit and ask alright what do you have in store for us? I believe we will come out more victorious then ever. I don't know when, but I know it's coming.

Have a great day and thanks again for all of your support!
=) Jessica

1 comment:

  1. I have just recently learned of Team Allen and am going back reading your past blogs. I so totally agree with the need for financial education. I was a math major, but I don't agree with the idea of everyone having to take college algebra. I so much more believe that the need a good financial education course. I shudder over some college students and their credit cards.
    I really thank you for your blogs. what you say can apply to the many things that happen in a person's life.
    I too don't see how anyone can make it without faith. If you think you are the only one to take care of yourself, it really would be depressing.
    God Bless you.