Well our month in Tennessee ends tomorrow. Today I will be running around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to get everything done! I always wait until the last minute. The pressure helps me to think more clearly. I work way better under pressure that is for sure! I made all my phone calls, ran all of my errands and took care of my little tax business. Now all that's left is to pack it and everyone all up and board a plane.
How do I feel?! Sad and excited, that's how! I haven't been away like this since college and to me this adventure is kind a like college, except we don't have near as many kegs as we did back then?! Hmm...something to work on?! Just kidding, Chaz and I are way past those adventures and the last thing we need is something else to help others get into trouble.
Obviously I am sad because we are leaving our home again. We get to go from almost 2,000 square feet back down to almost 1,000 square feet. That is an interesting adjustment to deal with. It's not too bad when it's just for a short term though. However for our unforeseeable future, our almost 2,000 square foot home will serve as our vacation home. Sounds nice huh?! I have all sorts of optimistic tricks for myself! Sometimes they work! My favorite is how I remind myself how much less I have to clean in MD. That one usually puts a big smile on my face. Then there's the fact that we have a grocery store with a Starbucks in it just behind our building. I love Starbucks, yum!!
We are all sad to leave our friends and community. Clarksville is a very nice city to live. We like it so much, we plan to stay. We plan to build a home here that will be suitable for Chaz. Speaking of the house, that's what makes me the saddest. I want to push an easy button and build that house for him today, but I can't. I told my friends the other night I am just so frustrated about it that I don't want to talk about it anymore. I am a people pleaser when it comes to my little family. I want the three of them to never have a bad day, but isn't that how every wife and mom feels. I know you cannot please everyone, it is impossible, but I know how to make my little family happy so I just focus on them.
Chaz has been through so much. I just want to make everything so easy for him. I have watched him go through enough pain. I can't take the pain away but I can help make the future for him easier. The van we have is awesome. He didn't want a van, but I convinced him it was a kick ass easy button for him and he thanked me for making him listen. He loves how the van is set up for him, but then I can drive it too. He has his freedom back thanks to that van, so he can go wherever he wants whenever he wants to go. We are eternally thankfully to Help Our Military Heroes for that. Now I want him to have a home that is set up on the same premise. Our doorways aren't wide enough. We have stairs. But the kitchen is his worst enemy. I just want to magically make it all work for him. I know it's not going to happen but a girl can dream, right?! I am frustrated because we can't make any moves on the house from Maryland, so once again, the house is on pause.
I keep telling myself we haven't rushed one thing on this journey, so we are not rushing this house. We did figure out what areas are viable options for us. So that was one big step forward. Now we have to find land within those spots. We met a builder that we really like. We are really looking forward to working with him. All I know is the house will all work out just like everything else has. But I will tell you building this house will be the true test to our marriage. Chaz is way OCD when it comes to things like this. I have to almost bite my tongue off about things. I remember buying the first two houses with him and how much fun that was (NOT), but we've never built. But the current deal on the table is I get all the say in the kitchen and he gets the rest of the house. So if I stay in my corner and he stays in his, we will still be married at the end. ;)
I am sad because we are watching our girls say good-bye again. I know it is so hard on them. We have asked so much from them and they just keep delivering. They have just been amazing. They never cease to make us proud. Of course we've had meltdowns, but wow they have been troopers. To me the children of wounded warriors are the ones who deserve all the praise. We put them through so much and they just roll with it. They are all little heroes to me!
I am sad because I just want to stay here and move on with our lives. I want to get back into Girl Scouts and dance and all the things I did before. I miss my friends too. I miss bunco nights and random lunches and shopping trips and all of those things. But I know before I know it, I'll have them all back.
So how to I fix all of this and take away all the sadness. I remind myself that this new day is another day in temporary, so let's make the most out of it! I look back at everything we have been blessed with! I think back to all of our adventures so far. I remind myself while the TN adventure goes back on pause, we'll hit play again before we know it! I keep reminding the girls that we are not done in DC, there are a ton of museums that we haven't been to yet. I remind them about their gymnastic and horse back riding lessons. I remind them that right now we have to finish healing Daddy. But there's still so much fun to be had in DC. I already have a few things lined up for them! I constantly look for things to get them excited about. Having things to do makes the time pass quickly. It's worked so far, so I'll continue on with that plan.
Chaz is excited to get back because he wants his running legs and he wants to get back on a bike! We are hoping his legs will be strong enough very soon so he can get running. The bike is not a problem we just have to make time in between appointments for him to get on it! To be honest, Chaz has had the easiest time adjusting to all the back and forth, but I guess that's from being a soldier for 13 years. He is our team leader for relocation.
For me I am excited to get back up there because of who God has put on my path. He has put the right people on our road to help make big changes. Not even 24 hours after we land, I have a meeting with one of these people. I am beyond excited! I am excited to know more smiles are coming to more families. I am excited that people who seem so far out of reach to others are sitting down at a table with me to make plans to make it better. I am excited to see the non-profits are getting into the hospital to help. I am excited about what they are doing for the families. I love being in the inside loop and being a small part of some huge things! I am beyond excited to show that when you come to the table with a plan (or in my case plans) that includes hope and optimism you can work together to make great things happen, even in a giant bureaucracy.
I continue to remind myself that God knows what He is doing and that it will all work out. I remind myself to keep stepping forward in faith and that our little family will be victorious. That is how I make the sadness go away! So tomorrow we hit pause on our TN adventures and go hit play on our DC/MD/VA adventures. And so the adventures of Team Allen continue......