We had such a great day yesterday. The girls had stayed the night with the neighbors Wednesday night so Chaz and I could just get up and go run our errands. So we did. We took care of some TN business and then he wanted to go to Best Buy. By the way, he was on his legs the entire time (woot-woot). I had a lunch date set with a great friend and Chaz decided he and the girls needed Sonic since I was getting lunch out too. We took care of that and then headed home and then I took off with my friend.
I spent hours with my friend and her daughter and it was just awesome. We talked and talked and it was great. Being home and catching up with friends is exactly what the doctor ordered. Family and friends are the best medicine sometimes. We have enjoyed everyday of being home.
I came back home from lunch and decided that since it was so beautiful outside that meant it was a great day to pack up Christmas and put it all in the attic. Chaz's friend came over to get some computer assistance. Our family friends came over to visit and collect their mail that I had collected for them. As I was cleaning the house, Chaz informed me that he needed new shorts and I decided that I was going to buy a steam mop because our tile in the kitchen was disgusting. I told Deryn this was a great time for her and I to have Mommy and me time. Ryann doesn't like to shop, but Deryn does. So Deryn and I loaded up and went to Target.
As we were driving down the road she asked, "When do we have to go back to Maryland?" I told her the date. She then said, "Why can't we just stay here? Daddy is doing so great here." By the time I got to the parking lot of Target the tears were flowing. You know it is really hard to be 9 years old and go through all of this. You are just old enough to understand some of it, but not all of it. And you just want to be a kid. At our girls' ages, all you want it is to have fun with your friends, but instead they have to go back and forth and back and forth. It is hard on us, so I know it is hard on them too.
Our girls have just been awesome through all of this. What we are going through is a lot to deal with. Our cuties are just incredible and we are so proud of them. Ryann seems to be at the perfect age for all of this. However, it may just be her personality. She just goes with the flow. As long as you throw in some fun stuff every once in a while (which we do) then she is good. She doesn't seem to care where we are. Deryn is a little harder to deal with because she's 9, which I heard is the new 13. God Bless us all. Chaz and I are trying so hard to protect her childhood, but we can see how much she has grown up while dealing with all of this. She tells us it's not fair and then we have to remind her she is not the only one who is going through all of this. You can see it helps her to know that she is not alone.
Once we got to Target, she climbed up in the front seat of our car and we had a really good talk. I told her that when Daddy was first hurt they told us it would take at least 4 years to heal him and that if we were lucky he would be walking next year. I asked her if she remembered when Daddy took his first steps and she said. "Yes, the Monday that we came to see him." I said, "How long had he been hurt?" She said, "Not very long." I said, "It was less than two months. You see that's how much Daddy loves you. When they told us it would be 4 years your Daddy and I cried and cried and we decided 4 years was way too long and you girls deserved better. Daddy said that he was going to get us back home and that we were moving on. March 21, Daddy was only supposed to stand up, but no because you girls were there, he walked. You need to know Daddy is trying his best to put all of this behind us so we can all move on. And you need to know how much you girls help us move forward. We can't do it without you. You girls are Mommy and Daddy's best medicine. You need to know just having you with us makes everything better for us."
Of course that made her feel better. What I realized through our talk is that we need to try to come back to TN more often so she has some of her life back. I don't know how this will all work out, but we'll make it work out. So far we have made everything else work, so I know we can do this too.
We returned from Target and I finished cleaning the house, then I walked upstairs and curled up in my bed. I had had a very productive day, so I rewarded myself and I shut our bedroom door and enjoyed a movie all by myself. I knew the ending because I read the book and I cried. Chaz came in on the ending and said, "Is it that sad?" I waved him off, because it was almost over. Then I confessed yes it was sad, but I just needed a good cry. I then told him about my conversation with Deryn. I told him that he was accustomed to going back and forth because he had done it for 13 years, but the girls and I hadn't and we miss our lives. I miss my friends and our lunch dates and bunco and all the things I had before. I wake up everyday telling myself it's one day closer to the end. I channel my positive energy into helping other people because helping others helps me heal. But every once in a while you just have to sit down and cry. Thanks to a movie, I was having my moment. Of course my hubby just laughs at me. And yes I felt much better once I got it all out. I just hate knowing I am disappointing Deryn. But I know we are doing what is best for the girls.
We have made the best out of all of this. I have made some of the most amazing friends during this journey. I miss my DC/MD/VA friends now, but I know I will see them soon. I do not know when I'll see my TN friends again once we go back. Chaz and I have assimiliated very well into that environment, but it will never be home for us. We belong here. We really like it there, but this is home.
You know it's pretty messed up that while you're pregnant they check on you every month but once the kid is yours and they kick you out of the hospital, you don't have the help desk anymore. I really don't think many people know how to deal with all of this, but it would be nice. I truly believe Chaz and I have made all of the right decisions, but disappointing your children is never easy. As their parents you only want to bring them smiles. We have had way more smiles then tears in this family.I am so glad we have. I reminded Deryn about her gymnastic and horse riding lessons when we get back and that helped a lot. But one thing is for sure, being home and having our lives back shows us how ready we are for all of this back and forth to be over.