Another hard thing to deal with on this journey is the fact you just never know when the next whatever is going to happen. Which happens in every one's life, I know. But when you have dealt with life threatening issues for an extended period of time it is just nerve racking. I highly believe in distractions. I like to keep myself busy and focused on something positive so I don't sit around and worry all the time. I have a lot of energy and I have to keep it channeled into productive places.
Remember the old saying it's just the calm before the storm. One of my friends pointed out that I told her I had a feeling 2011 was going to be a crazy year. This was just before Chaz was injured. She reminded me of this the other day. We totally did have some clam before the storm and wow what a crazy storm that followed that calm. What a year it has been?! It has been full of whens since January 22. When do I get to talk to my husband? When will he be in the states? When do I get to see him? The questions just go on and on and the majority began with when.
The unknown can be a good or bad thing, depending on which way you look at it. Also it's depends also on what's happening. I have to admit that I fear I could become a hypochondriac when it comes to Chaz. How can you not be afraid of what else might happen to someone you love when you have already watched them go through so much? I stopped counting how many surgeries, units of blood, lab tests, x-rays, etc and etc a long time ago. To me keeping up with all of that was depressing me and it broke my heart to know that Chaz had to endure so much. I hated seeing him in so much pain, but I knew he was in good hands and the Army proved me absolutely correct.
Chaz will tell you I am an over protective, multi-tasking, OCD Mommy. And that I always have my guard up. I am always leery of new people to the ball game. I am also always looking for Plan A,B,C, D and every other letter (there are 26 letter in the alphabet after all) if necessary. I have a hard time trusting people and I am very careful with who gets close to us. I like to control as many things as possible, it's just my personality. I have learned to let go of a lot of control since going through all of this. I have learned that God is in control and he will lead me where I need to go, but I find it is still really hard to trust people. What's that old saying keep your friends close and your enemies closer. Yeah no, I'm good, I'll keep my great friends really close and those who want to hurt us can just go find a hobby.
One thing is for sure, I am so grateful for all the medical professionals that have come in our lives since January 22. If you have a question they are more than happy to answer it. Chaz's doctors that he had from the moment he arrived at WRAMC will still stop both or either of us in the hall and ask us questions about Chaz's healing. I appreciate that they have so much knowledge and they help us look out for problems that could occur. They are like our personalized medical tech support. I really love finding out that other patients are blessed with these doctors as well. It makes me feel great knowing they too have these great people on their team.
When you are thrown onto this roller coaster ride you seriously do not know when the next curve or flip is coming. We know Chaz will have to have another surgery on his elbow. We are still praying that he will still get an elbow. We were told at the beginning he was a perfect candidate for a cadaver replacement. But a different surgeon came along and said he wouldn't do it because he hadn't done it before. So Chaz decided we would just sit and wait. He really doesn't want a permanent fusion and who can blame him. Here's my opinion. The have come so far in the medical technology. I think if we just wait another option for his elbow will come. I think it is soon to throw in the towel and fuse his arm. We have talked to several medical professionals and they all agree. So we wait.
He fell at PT the other day right on that elbow and scared me to death. The X-rays showed it was fine. I am so glad that when he fell he was right there in front of his therapists and they sent him straight to X-ray. If you are going to fall, I think it's best to fall where you therapist can see you.
We know Chaz will have surgery on his legs when we go back to MD, but we don't know when. For those who don't know when you are amputated your bones still keep growing. One of Chaz's is growing like a horn and sometimes causes him pain. He says it's fine and the x-rays confirmed he didn't have to immediately have it cut out. He decided he's had enough surgeries for 2011, so he'll put that one of until 2012. He wanted to be in our home for the holidays and who could blame him.
Someone once said to me "I just don't know how you ladies do it." She said she had met moms, girlfriends, wives, etc and all were just so amazing. She claims she is too selfish to do all that we do. I told her I bet you would be just as amazing as the rest of us. I don't want you in this club with us, but I have no doubt you'd do just fine. She said she has to plan everything and would go nuts letting go of everything and not knowing when anything was going to happen. I told her I was like that. I liked to control as many pieces of my life as possible. But now I have learned that God's timing may not line up with my timing, his he knows what he's doing and I put my trust and faith in him and he hasn't lead me on a wrong path yet. It is hard to give up control of your life. But so far it has worked out way better that I ever imagined. We have a rule in this house, if you cannot put your hands on it to fix it, then it is not you problem to fix. You give it to God and he will sort it all out.
The truth is you never know what you can do until you are pushed to do it. You think you know how you would react, but you don't. You find out who you really are when you are pushed into the corner or forced out onto the edge. Everyone handles everything differently. I am so proud that I have been put through so many fires before January 22, 2011 because I can look back and realize that this is not so bad. Is it stressful, oh my goodness it's ridiculously stressful. Not knowing when is so annoying. We truly can't plan for anything. But as an Army wife you can't really plan things too far out because of the deployments. And we wives know that the Army likes to mess with our plans anyway. So we have different levels of plans and different ways of making everything work. We adapt and develop plans for in case Daddy is here and then make plans in case Daddy is not here. The good news is I don't have to make anymore if Daddy isn't here plans.
I have no idea when we will return to TN for good. I have no idea when the Army will be done with Chaz. I have no idea when his bones will stop growing. We can only plan about one month out at a time and even that is always subject to change at the last minute. I don't sit around dwelling on it. Instead I find things to do to keep me busy so I can distract myself from the frustration of the unknown.
One day this will all be behind us. One day we will be in a house that suits Chaz's needs. He'll have a job working with computers and I'll grow my business again. He and I will be the girls' non-stop taxi service as we drive them to all their activities and sleepovers. I just don't know when?!