Sunday, March 3, 2013

Being Angry.....

Yesterday was a rough day. Friday evening Chaz and I were notified that our friend's husband had ended his own life. We spent the night in shock. Our friends were with us and I think that's what kept me from advancing to the next level of coping with his passing.

Saturday I woke up to heart break and overwhelming sadness. I could not shake the image of my friend and her girls and what they were going through at that very moment. I was so thankful our girls were still at sleepovers. I truly believe that was a huge blessing. I think seeing our girls at that moment and knowing that their friend's dad had taken his own life and trying to hide my sadness would have been impossible. As those thoughts rushed through my head, I cried pretty hard for a minutes yesterday morning in our bathroom. Chaz grabbed my hand and let me get it out. Then I shook it off, I knew I had to get myself together. Chaz and I committed ourselves to an event for Fisher House and we needed to see that through.

During the car ride to Murfreesboro, I was multi-tasking (shocking I know). I was texting, emailing and facebooking with all of our friends answering as many questions as I could. We were discussing how and if to tell our kids, what to do for our friend and her girls and of course the shock of the entire thing.

This is not mine and Chaz's first experience with suicide. Unfortunately we've dealt with it way more than you want to know. However, this was our first wounded hero suicide. We've been healing together with this family for over a year now. We've attended many events together. When our girls are together; they have the best times. Their little girl made my day when she attended our American Girl day. She told me it was the best day ever, gave me a big hug and said thank you. My friend was the one who started all the mommy tears that day. I jokingly yelled at her for making me cry. We have had a lot of fun on this journey together despite what we are going through. She is one of my kindred spirits that God has blessed me with on this road. She is truly one of the greatest additions to my true friend roster.

The last time I saw her things were better. Just like all military families they had their rough patches, but they were doing well. We chatted about parenting and shared some girly laughs. (We both have two girls). My friend's smile can light up a room. She is an absolute delight to be with and I always guilt her into attending my YRF events so we can be together. My favorite moment with her (so far) was when we were talking about things from our childhood that we want to do for our girls. Days later she shows up with a crimper for me to use on our girls hair. I could go on and on about the moments that we have had and the laughs we have shared. I choose to focus on those right now because to be honest I am so angry.

How could her hubby do this to them? How could he hurt them this way? How could he take those smiles away? How could he just give up? I am so angry at him right now. I can't help it and I know it's normal. I do not care if someone tells me I am wrong in being angry at him. He left us all wondering why? And wondering what we all could have done? Chaz and I have every right to be angry right now.

I know this anger is normal because this is how I felt when one of Chaz's soldiers put us through this. All these unanswered questions that we all just have to let go of or they will drive us all insane. We just have to surround the survivors and help them heal. What hurts me the most in all of this is now our friend is just a statistic to the government. Do you know want to know who he really was? He was a great guy with a great laugh. He was a father who had two little girls who loved him unconditionally. He had the love of his life who did anything for him. He was a friend to so many. He was a Hero. He served our country and brought back demons with him. In the end those demons consumed him and have now taken our friend away and left my friend a young widow and two beautiful girls without a father. And this has all left my wounded hero and I incredibly angry......

10 comments:

  1. Jessica, I am so sorry for the loss of your close friend. My heart breaks for your friend. There is no sense in it ever.... but it's even more senseless when there's a loving family involved. We will lift up their family in prayer... please let me know if there's anything specifically I can do to help this family. <3

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  2. The only thing I can say is that you don't know his pain. He chose to end his suffering and you can't judge him for it.

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    1. Rylan, I don't think she is judging him at all. Did you know the sucide rate for the military is at 23 a day?! 23 of our warriors are taking their lives EVERY DAY!!!! This has to stop! We are failing our warriors and it needs to end! This should make everyone angry!

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  3. I'm heartbroken for everyone who loved him, and for the overwhelming pain that took hope away from him. When will we realize that our heroes need more than we are providing? I pray it is soon. May God comfort his family and friends.

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  4. In most cases suicide is the ultimate selfish act. And yes those left behind have every right to be mad. But I have to wonder when you mix in PTSD if his brain just got so messed up that he didn't really know what he was doing. I know the obvious gut reaction is to try to figure out what could have been done. It doesn't sound like he really gave off any indications that he was even contemplating this so don't know what you could have done. You can't read hearts. You don't know what was going on inside him.
    If your friend tells her kids how their dad died then it would be better for your kids to hear it from you. But you know the situation the best. You know your kids the best. It's an impossible situation, but praying so that the Lord will give you wisdom.
    Being there for your friend is going to be so very hard but can't imagine anyone better to have in her corner than you two!
    Praying right now!
    Psalms 86:1-4 Bow down thine ear, O LORD, hear me: for I am poor and needy. Preserve my soul; for I am holy: O thou my God, save thy servant that trusteth in thee. Be merciful unto me, O Lord: for I cry unto thee daily. Rejoice the soul of thy servant: for unto thee, O Lord, do I lift up my soul.
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  5. Praying!
    Psalms 86:5-7 For thou, Lord, art good, and ready to forgive; and plenteous in mercy unto all them that call upon thee. Give ear, O LORD, unto my prayer; and attend to the voice of my supplications. In the day of my trouble I will call upon thee: for thou wilt answer me.
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  6. Know that I'm always here praying so very, very hard!!!!!!!
    Psalms 33:20-22 Our soul waiteth for the LORD: he is our help and our shield. For our heart shall rejoice in him, because we have trusted in his holy name. Let thy mercy, O LORD, be upon us, according as we hope in thee.
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  7. Continuing to pray!
    Romans 8:15-18 For ye have not received the spirit of bondage again to fear; but ye have received the Spirit of adoption, whereby we cry, Abba, Father. The Spirit itself beareth witness with our spirit, that we are the children of God: And if children, then heirs; heirs of God, and joint-heirs with Christ; if so be that we suffer with him, that we may be also glorified together. For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us.
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  8. So thankful for these amazing words of comfort! Praying!
    Job 19:25-27 For I know that my redeemer liveth, and that he shall stand at the latter day upon the earth: And though after my skin worms destroy this body, yet in my flesh shall I see God: Whom I shall see for myself, and mine eyes shall behold, and not another; though my reins be consumed within me.
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  9. Lifting up prayers!
    Deuteronomy 31:6 Be strong and of a good courage, fear not, nor be afraid...for the LORD thy God, he it is that doth go with thee; he will not fail thee, nor forsake thee.
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