Yesterday was a rough day. Friday evening Chaz and I were notified that our friend's husband had ended his own life. We spent the night in shock. Our friends were with us and I think that's what kept me from advancing to the next level of coping with his passing.
Saturday I woke up to heart break and overwhelming sadness. I could not shake the image of my friend and her girls and what they were going through at that very moment. I was so thankful our girls were still at sleepovers. I truly believe that was a huge blessing. I think seeing our girls at that moment and knowing that their friend's dad had taken his own life and trying to hide my sadness would have been impossible. As those thoughts rushed through my head, I cried pretty hard for a minutes yesterday morning in our bathroom. Chaz grabbed my hand and let me get it out. Then I shook it off, I knew I had to get myself together. Chaz and I committed ourselves to an event for Fisher House and we needed to see that through.
During the car ride to Murfreesboro, I was multi-tasking (shocking I know). I was texting, emailing and facebooking with all of our friends answering as many questions as I could. We were discussing how and if to tell our kids, what to do for our friend and her girls and of course the shock of the entire thing.
This is not mine and Chaz's first experience with suicide. Unfortunately we've dealt with it way more than you want to know. However, this was our first wounded hero suicide. We've been healing together with this family for over a year now. We've attended many events together. When our girls are together; they have the best times. Their little girl made my day when she attended our American Girl day. She told me it was the best day ever, gave me a big hug and said thank you. My friend was the one who started all the mommy tears that day. I jokingly yelled at her for making me cry. We have had a lot of fun on this journey together despite what we are going through. She is one of my kindred spirits that God has blessed me with on this road. She is truly one of the greatest additions to my true friend roster.
The last time I saw her things were better. Just like all military families they had their rough patches, but they were doing well. We chatted about parenting and shared some girly laughs. (We both have two girls). My friend's smile can light up a room. She is an absolute delight to be with and I always guilt her into attending my YRF events so we can be together. My favorite moment with her (so far) was when we were talking about things from our childhood that we want to do for our girls. Days later she shows up with a crimper for me to use on our girls hair. I could go on and on about the moments that we have had and the laughs we have shared. I choose to focus on those right now because to be honest I am so angry.
How could her hubby do this to them? How could he hurt them this way? How could he take those smiles away? How could he just give up? I am so angry at him right now. I can't help it and I know it's normal. I do not care if someone tells me I am wrong in being angry at him. He left us all wondering why? And wondering what we all could have done? Chaz and I have every right to be angry right now.
I know this anger is normal because this is how I felt when one of Chaz's soldiers put us through this. All these unanswered questions that we all just have to let go of or they will drive us all insane. We just have to surround the survivors and help them heal. What hurts me the most in all of this is now our friend is just a statistic to the government. Do you know want to know who he really was? He was a great guy with a great laugh. He was a father who had two little girls who loved him unconditionally. He had the love of his life who did anything for him. He was a friend to so many. He was a Hero. He served our country and brought back demons with him. In the end those demons consumed him and have now taken our friend away and left my friend a young widow and two beautiful girls without a father. And this has all left my wounded hero and I incredibly angry......