The funny thing about gravity is its magical way of holding you down. I have always been a grounded person. I have noticed on this journey that sometimes when we really need to rise up gravity of our situation just won't let go. It truly seems that the weight of the reality of this journey keeps you in place.
This week has been a very interesting week. An issue that had been truly plaguing me was resolved in one conversation. I really just needed to talk to someone with sense who was wearing a uniform. That may sound silly, but I was very frustrated with some of the Army's actions here recently. To be honest I still am, but talking to someone in a uniform who has common sense helped a lot. As soon as I felt the relief from that I was quickly pulled back down by reality. I laugh because I took one weight off of my shoulders only for it to be replaced by another. This weight has always been there, it just became heavier. What could that possibly be?! It's the weight of our future.
So many incredibly hard decisions have to be made along this road. Since we are a little further down the healing journey big important life decisions have to be made now. I keep going back to "I had six more years" when I am looking at these decisions. Chaz has only been in the Army for fourteen years. He signed up to serve twenty. I am not ready for all of this. I had six more years to raise the girls and figure out what I was going to do with me and where we were going to retire. Thanks to an IED my six years blew up in a puff of smoke.
I am OCD. I plan out everything. Thanks to all of this, I have learned to let go of having to plan everything so far in advance. I have learned that I think quite well in the spur of the moment. But we are now getting our lives back. We should be out of here within a year. As in Chaz will totally be out of the Army within a year. So now I need to look to those long term plans again.
We planned to build a house when he retired. But once again that was six years from now and he had legs. So the price point for the house I was saving for has gone way up. The good news is we get a VA grant, but we have to do a lot of special modifications to get that grant. The construction of Chaz's house will be the true test of me. I pray a lot for God to send me an easy button for Chaz's house.
We were going to pick a retirement place in three years from now. My WW girlfriends pointed out the other day that the best part is Chaz and I at least know what state we want to live in. Also we have a place of our own once we get out of here. Our house in TN is not perfect for Chaz, but it will work just fine. Many of our friends here are technically homeless once they transition out. We at least have a house that will work until the other one is built. Chaz and I have extra time thanks to that.
Then there's my career. I planned to be in law school right now. I was going to sit for the LSAT last year and then go to law school in Nashville this year. Chaz and I made a deal a long time ago. He was going to work for the first 20 and I raised the kids. Then he would retire and was going to take an easier job and be Mr Dad while I was his sugar Momma. Well I need to be the sugar Momma faster. I already passed the IRS RTRP exam. Now I am trying to finish a course that will get me ready for the EA exam. Also I need to take two tests to have my Accredited Financial Counselor license. So I am doing the work, I just have to pray it all pays off.
Truth be told, I am scared to death about leaving here for good. Change may be great, but it can also be very scary. We don't know where we're building our home. We don't know if we'll continue to home school and if we don't, we don't know where we'll send the girls to school. We don't know where we'll be working or if Chaz will work.
So what do I do when the gravity of all of this weighs me down? Sometimes I cry. Sometimes I get mad. But regardless of what my immediate reaction is, my end result is that I just give it to God. Sometimes the gravity of life is just too much. Chaz can tell you about my out loud self pep talks I have every once in a while. I'll remind myself that we've made it this far walking in faith so we have to just keep walking that way. Then I'll remind myself of how far God has brought us. Then I'll look at the amazing journey we have had and the amazing people who have been put on our path. One thing is for sure the gravity can try to weigh me down, but our blessings sure do prevent me from sinking.