Monday, November 25, 2013

Where Are You Christmas?

Over the past few days this song has played again and again in my head. I just can't seem to find my Christmas this year. I see everyone decorating and I am just not feeling it. Then I realized it's been years since we've had a real Christmas and where I felt my holiday spirit. 

2009, that was the last real Christmas we had together. That was the last Christmas that we were all together and thrilled at just the idea of Santa and reading the story of Christmas together. I pulled out all three of my trees and we put up lights out around the house. The girls and I made cookies and shared them with our friends. We mailed off care packages, sang carols and just really made the holidays fun.

2010 had us separated half a world apart with Chaz in Afghanistan. That pretty much speaks for itself. The girls and I still had fun, but we really missed Daddy.

2011 and 2012 were both controlled by the Army's WTB. We were told when we could go and when we had to be back. We really never were able to enjoy any of the holiday season in those 24 months.I will admit we really just gave up, sucked it up and made it the best we could for the girls. We were blessed by many non-profits who made sure our holidays had a lot of smiles in them. However the stress of healing, the daily care and the uncertainty of our future just weighed us down.

I realized the other day it's not just Christmas. I really don't care for any holidays anymore. I will even go as far as to say I think they are pointless. One friend told me that she truly hated that this journey has desensitized me to holiday joys. When we were in the Army, I didn't feel this way, but the 24 months of recovery, illness and WTB just wore me out to the point where a day is just a day.

On Easter, Mother's Day and every other day, Chaz needed a PICC line something or wound care. Something was wrong with this adaptive equipment. My list could go on and on. It didn't matter what day it was things had to be done. Days just became days with appointments, daily care and WTB policies.

I can't tell you how many times we didn't even know it was a holiday until someone told us. The only difference now is it is my normal and I accepted it. I guarantee you I have put mail out in the box on every federal holiday since Chaz retired and we came been home. My co-workers have to remind me of the holidays and that "we have the day off." Here's the harsh reality, caregivers never get a day off unless we run away alone. A lot of work has to be done in advance so we can run away, so we choose those times wisely.

The only days I ever protected were the girls' birthdays. Nothing else really didn't matter. Their birthdays are their special days and I was going to make sure of that no matter what was going on and no matter how tired I was. But holidays, I feel like we did the minimum. Christmas was the one that really beat me up. The girls wanted to be home and stay home in 2011 and 2012 and we could not give them that. They would get gifts that they had to leave behind because we did not have room in Maryland for any excess. I know that it really is trivial, but it mattered to them.

10 months since retirement and I am still in the same mode. I could care less about holidays. The girls' birthdays are still the most important days on our calendar, but I am going to change my attitude today!! The silver lining in all of this is our family was able to be together and that was a very important lesson that we have been able to teach our girls. It is time to take that lesson and combine it with the Christmas of 2009.

Thanksgiving has always been my favorite holiday. Today I am going to start to make that day great. Then Friday (sorry, I cannot decorate for Christmas until I have eaten my turkey) I am bringing our Christmas down from the attic. ALL OF IT!! That hasn't been done since 2009. My hubby asked me yesterday if I was going to go back to 2009 this year. Something tells me, he needs a little Christmas too.

It's time to hang some lights on this house and get into the holiday spirit. Now how in the world am I going to hang Christmas lights on this house alone? Well now, that's a great question. I'll figure that out one day when it's not 20-30 degrees outside. Our family can handle the inside. I am actually really looking forward to Friday and opening all those boxes. I have a feeling my Christmas was packed away in 2009. It's time to bring it out and celebrate the true gift of the Christmas.


  1. This blog was shared on a friend's Facebook page. I really like your outlook this year and I hope it is reminiscent of the Christmas of 2009 that your family seemed to thoroughly enjoy.

  2. Praying for you right now!
    Romans 8:15-18 For ye have not received the spirit of bondage again to fear; but ye have received the Spirit of adoption, whereby we cry, Abba, Father. The Spirit itself beareth witness with our spirit, that we are the children of God: And if children, then heirs; heirs of God, and joint-heirs with Christ; if so be that we suffer with him, that we may be also glorified together. For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us.
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  3. Asking the Holy Ghost to pray for you with groanings that can't be uttered!
    Romans 8:26-28 Likewise the Spirit also helpeth our infirmities: for we know not what we should pray for as we ought: but the Spirit itself maketh intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered. And he that searcheth the hearts knoweth what is the mind of the Spirit, because he maketh intercession for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.
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  4. Know that I'm always here praying!
    Romans 8:35, 37-39 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?...Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us. For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
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  5. Hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving full of family and love!
    Psalms 46:1-5 God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore will not we fear, though the earth be removed, and though the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea; Though the waters thereof roar and be troubled, though the mountains shake with the swelling thereof. Selah. There is a river, the streams whereof shall make glad the city of God, the holy place of the tabernacles of the most High. God is in the midst of her; she shall not be moved: God shall help her, and that right early.
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  6. What comfort to know that God is our refuge, no matter what we have to go through in life! Praying!
    Psalms 46:7, 10-11 The LORD of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our refuge. Selah.(10-11) Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth. The LORD of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our refuge. Selah.
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