Lost at Home?!

Well we've been in our home for almost 3 weeks now. After a few days here, we realized that yes this is our home, but it doesn't feel the same. Perhaps it's because we know we will move out of this home within a year or so. Perhaps we have become accustomed to life in MD. Perhaps it's because many of our friends PCS'd while we've been gone. Perhaps we have just moved on with our new normal. One thing is for sure, we are not sure if Clarksville is home any more.

On this trip home, we arrived to all of our neighbors and many close friends being deployed, again. My friends had already or were saying good-bye to their hubbies, again. It feels so weird to not be in their group. If Chaz had not been injured, we too would be saying good-bye to him, again. But no we're all together for good. No more deployments for us and it just feels so weird. I feel like I quit the team. I can't help but feel like I am letting my friends down by not being in this round of suck with them. I am just out of my old loop because God put me in a different one. I am in a whole new round of suck.

Our neighbor deploying just after we arrived about broke my heart. This soldier leaves a young, but super strong and awesome wife and three small kids behind. We watched their kids so they could play while she saw him off for another deployment. Chaz and I realized that it has to be incredibly hard to live next door to what could happen. When she came in and gave me the "it's time" look, I teared up and gave her a big hug. I remember all to well how hard those days really are. I remember how much you just want to rip that band-aid off so you can start the stupid deployment so you can finish it. I remember thinking let's get this over with many times. I am the "ok, let's do this" person. So one look at her and many, many feelings came back.

Many of our friends have come by to give us all the Ft Campbell news, but since we're not here, it feels like they are talking about a foreign place. That feeling really stinks because we love the 101st and the 101st has been so awesome to us. But since we've been gone for so long, we now feel like strangers in our home.

For the first time, I have not been to Ft Campbell during this trip. I have no reason to go this time. To be honest, I don't want to go. A part of me misses it so much. I miss our old normal life. When I go to Campbell it makes me miss our life before January 22, 2011 and I know there is no way to go back and start over. I have accepted that this is our road and I have moved forward, but I will always have a huge place in my heart for the 101st and the Army. The Army has been very good to us, but it is time to move on. But the question is where do we go?! Unfortunately we still do not have the answer.