The VA Caregiver Program: Another Red Tape Diary Entry

When the Army called to inform me that my husband might not make it, I couldn't help but think how could I be a 32-year-old widow. When my next call told me my husband was stable but had lost both legs, I was overjoyed. I before did not care any longer what was wrong with him I was only happy he was coming home. I never thought about any issues that would lie ahead, I solely focused on the joy of our family remaining together.

Weeks after my husband was injured my friend, who had become a young widow years before, called to give me her sympathies with an explanation. She said that her husband may be gone, but she has closure. She said I would never be able to heal and have closure because the VA would put nothing but red tape and ignorance in my path. I remember thinking surely not, our service members have been through so much, how can that be? It's crazy how seven years later I realize that call revealed so much truth.

The VA Caregiver Program was created pretty much while we were beginning our wounded journey. Some pretty amazing people, who I have had the honor to befriend over the years, fought so all of our wounded, injured, and ill families could have help. This group knew all of our struggles were permanent. They fought for us to have some much-needed assistance. Assistance that they didn't have with their journey. Help that they knew would make a big difference in the lives of the wounded, injured, and ill.

The beginning of our Caregiver Program journey was simple. Before we left Walter Reed in 2013, we met with the VA, and they explained the program to us. They said Chaz would always be in the program because he would always need a caregiver. They explained his level of need could change, but the program was designed for guys like him. They described a program designed to help me help him. I remember thinking that was fabulous.

Fast forward through the years....we have had a ton of coordinators, but luckily only two fabulous home health nurses. These two ladies understand our life and have been very supportive. We did have to switch nurses when we moved, but it was a smooth transition. I have only positive words to say about our two nurses. We always look forward to their visits.

Now the coordinator position, that's a different story. I had not had any contact with any coordinator since before our move in 2015. Then magically I received a letter telling me they need to review our case with our coordinator. I had zero problems with this because you should review cases. Things do change. Some people do have improvements. I fully cooperated with the review and even had our civilian records from Chaz's PCM and from PT faxed over before our review phone call.

Then the call started. I was asked to submit my veteran's MEB/PEB file. For those who are not tracking, that is a DOD file that lists all of your servicemember's service-connected related issues so a disability percentage can be determined.  I immediately asked why is the VA asking for a DOD file? She said it was for their review. I countered with that document is five years old, you should only need the last 6-12 months of medical files. She then asked if I could "just fax it over." I told her no I would not because she did not need it, she has the VA file explaining my veteran's injuries, and that my veteran's file is like a 100 pages long and the VA only takes 20 pages per fax transmission. She then informed me she found it in her system. However, in my husband's file, it was marked "item not found contact IRM," which is records management.

Next, I was asked, "What is your veteran's relationship to the children in your home?" I replied with "biological father." I was then told that was not what she was asking, so me being me I said, "Well why don't you just tell me what you want." She then told me the VA needed to know if we had special needs children in our home. I quickly responded with the VA has no need to know that. The interview went on, and some of the questions were spot on, and some were beyond what the VA should be asking.

At one point I was asked if I worked and I said yes, I work when I can. The interviewer said she needed more clarification. I informed her that I work when my veteran is having good days and doesn't need my help. I put him before my work. I went on to tell her I was very fortunate to have clients who understand and support our family.

About a month later, we received a letter letting us know that the CET team, Clinical Evaluation Team, determined Chaz has improved and we were being lowered from Tier 3 to Tier 1. I called and asked for the specific documentation showing where he improved. I was told they compared Chaz's 2018 records to his DOD Med board from 2013. They rescored him according to the new records. I laughed because I knew the lady was clueless. So I set out to write our appeal.

I went through Chaz's records to find out exactly who made the determination. There I found a name, I found her online, and she is with Women's Health at the VA. I am still curious as to why a person specializing in women's health is evaluating the functionality of any veteran. Then I found all five names on the CET. Only one of them has seen Chaz in person, and that was his new PCM we saw in April who didn't like that we use Medicare for Chaz's care. The other four could not pick us out of a lineup. The more I dug, the angrier I got. I realized that the CET simply copied and pasted the notes from Women's Health to support the reduction in Tier level. And worst of all, the home health nurses notes were not acknowledged at all.

We met with Chaz's civilian PCM, who is a fellow veteran. He was outraged and wrote a quite powerful letter. We even sat down and used the VA's scoring chart to rescore Chaz. Together the three of us determined we were definitely a Tier 2 and we could argue for the Tier 3. And if anything at all changes with Chaz's health we were definitely a 3. I then went back through the VA's files and wrote my own letter. Our appeal was 32 pages long. I had more than one VA employee and a few friends tell me it was solid and we should be all good.

The VA response to the appeal was that we spend three days at the VA completing a psych eval and OT assessment. Psych was absolutely fabulous. That team was caring and listened, and the doctor even said it was ridiculous for us to be there because we were doing so well, and that Chaz needed a caregiver for physical needs, not mental. We all agreed that now we have a baseline for Chaz. If something starts happening to his memory or brain function, we now have an evaluation to refer back to for comparison.

OT was a different story. OT was rude when we arrived early. Then when we began, she pointed out that we were there for a "caregiver assessment." Joking, I said yeah we are here to prove he needs help. She scoffed, countered, and informed me that the VA caregiver program was full of fraud and that a double above the knee amputee can live 100% independently for the rest of their life without any help. She told me the legislation that was written was a disaster, and many people who were on the caregiver program had no right to be there in the first place. She then told me I could not be involved in the assessment, even though the VA said I was required to be there, she said I had to sit at least two feet away. I found a chair and sat down and obsevered. She did not read the chart prior to the visit and then didn't understand why Chaz's right arm wouldn't extend. So he went over all of that. Then she had him transfer from his chair to the PT mat and even jumped behind his chair, like I do daily, and made comments about his safety. In her report, she rated him as independent and supported the VA's original finding of Tier 1.

After reading her report, we thought well the VA will come back and say, yup you're a 1. We got the call yesterday...they dropped us entirely from the program. The woman who called Chaz even cried because she was so upset for us. She said the appeals board determined that Chaz was completely independent and has no need for a caregiver. This is effective immediately.

Once I stopped shaking from rage, I posted the decision on Facebook to our friends and fired off a few emails. My poor phone took a beating yesterday. But you know what....we have some AMAZING friends. I had to giggle at many of the comments. My college and our Army friends crafted a few amazing facebook posts. We honestly feel so loved and supported.

It was the Army who gave me the title caregiver. I embraced it, but never let it be my sole identity. Being dropped from the VA Caregiver Program doesn't change my veteran's needs. It won't change the fact that I have to carry legs around for him, load and unload them from our van, and help him put them on at home. It won't change that I have to help him shave, button shirts, and assist with other personal grooming issues. It won't change that at home I have to hold his chair to help him transfer. It won't change that I have to help him in and out of our truck. It won't change that I have to help him sit up in the bed. Or carry his coffee for him, so he doesn't get burned. Or scratch places because his arm won't allow him to reach. Or pick him up off the floor when he falls...I could seriously go on for a very long time. I think you get the idea.

A friend said to me yesterday, "If Chaz doesn't need a caregiver, then who does?" Sure, he doesn't need someone 24/7, but he needs help. Every single day I help him with things that go beyond "spousal duties." Yes, I love my spouse, and I did promise in sickness and in health, but when the VA has a clearly defined clinical benefit we qualify for, we should not have to fight this fight.

This is not a Nashville VA problem, nor a TN problem. Here is a quick list of our friends going through the same thing.

• KY-Double amputee with missing fingers and other injuries, Tier 3 to completely dropped. He was told his wounds don't qualify him for a caregiver. 
• TN-Double amputee was told he graduated from needing help. 
• KY-Triple amputee lowered from 3 to 1
• NC-Severe brain injury was told what his wife did was her "spousal duties."
• MI-Severe brain injury, the VA has him listed for aid and attendance, Caregiver Program stated it was not in the veteran's "best interest to have a caregiver."
• CA-Double amputee dropped citing injuries were not consistent with the veteran needing continuous assistance
• TX-Single amputee was dropped. Veteran was told the spouse was "fulfilling her spousal duties and did not qualify as a caregiver."

Remember this is just the short list. There are caregivers all over our country being kicked out of the caregiver program at a rapid pace. While it's true that the fight for the wounded never ends, this is one fight we should not have to ever fight. If we can prove the veteran needs assistance with clear and precise medical documentation, why is it even being questioned? If you don't have enough common sense to realize a person missing body parts will require some degree of help for the rest of their life, then please come to hang with us for a little bit.

We ask you please consider communicating with your elected representatives and let them know you want to help our veterans and their caregivers.

• To contact your Congressman, click here.
• To contact your Senator, click here. 
• To contact the House Veterans Affairs Committee, click here.
• To contact the Senate Veterans Affairs Committee, click here.  

Together we can fix this for all of our veterans and their caregivers.

The Little Guide I Wrote

For years I have begged for a financial guide for families like ours. I wanted a guide written in simple language. I wanted something that could walk someone from Day 0 to Day-WTF to Day-I can finally breathe and back again. I wanted a guide that I wished someone had handed me in January 2011 after my husband's steps redirected our life plans.

I can still remember sitting in his ICU room, then in his room on Ward 57, then in our room at Fisher House. I can close my eyes and see all the machines and hear all the beeping. I can remember sitting in the corner with an iPad or my laptop with crappy internet connections. I can remember being up before everyone else. Each time I was researching where we were going next since our twenty-year plans were blown up. 

Over the years since Chaz's injury, I have sat in so many conference rooms, asking for a "common family financial guide." I have seen the same faces in different rooms saying the same things. And guess what....still no real guide exists that everyone can use. More importantly, no guide exists that gets us and our crazy circumstances.

In college, a professor once told me if I was going to complain about it then I needed to be ready with a solution for it. About this time last year, I was in another room asking for the same thing with the same people and still, no real plans were made. I decided right then I was going to quit my complaining and just do it.

Last Fall I contacted a few friends. They reviewed the first forty pages that would eventually become the guide. Their reviews got me pretty pumped up. After tax season, I came back to the guide and over one hundred pages flew out of me. I went back to those friends and added several more to the circle. They all helped me tremendously. They gave me ideas and input that helped mold the guide into what it became.

Here it is....

https://www.amazon.com/Financial-Fitness-Military-Veteran-Caregivers-ebook/dp/B0761Z2HVX/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1507898157&sr=8-1&keywords=financial+fitness+jessica+allen#customerReviews

I am very proud of this guide. I designed the cover. I designed the graphics, worksheets, and etc. The table of contents is hyperlinked to the topics in the text. Once you go to your topic, you will then find other links that will take you to learn more. I tried to make it as user-friendly as possible. I wrote the paragraphs as concisely as possible because I know of several readers who don't like to read but need information on our financial lives.

Currently the guide is only on Amazon. I hope to add it to iBooks soon, then to other digital platforms. My next goal is to make the guide into a workbook. I do not have a target date for the workbook, but it will make an appearance one day!

This guide is not perfect. It will need corrections as the years go by, but at least now we all have something. I feel this guide is a great start to getting our financial futures more organized. More organization will lead to less stress. One thing is for sure.....we need a lot less stress!

We really struggled with pricing the guide. Most financial books are ten dollars or more. I didn't want a price point that could discourage someone from learning, so I ruled out the market price of $10 quickly. I have been told more than once I am crazy for only selling the guide for $3.99. But for me, $3.99 is a lovely balance of being compensated for all of my time and hopefully encouraging someone to invest in their financial future.

If you are a wounded, injured, or ill family, I hope you will consider ordering a copy of my guide. I hope you will find it useful. I hope that you find it so useful you tell all of your friends!

The Pain of the VA: Another Red Tape Diaries Entry

I promised a friend of mine I would write this story as soon as I had time. What you are about to read actually happened. I wish I was creative enough to make this all up, but sadly I am not. You are about to read why in this house we use the sayings "Good enough for the VA" and "Nothing from the VA shocks me anymore" quite frequently.

All veterans have to be seen at the VA at least once a year. Makes total sense right?! We want to make sure our vets are cared for so yes once a year is the least we can do. This is our once a year story.

Chaz began at the Murfreesboro VA in January 2013. Every year he went in for his annual exam, he was met by a different PCM, which is sad because we really liked #1. Finally in 2016 we were told this PCM would stay, but required Chaz to basically start all over again with the VA. The PCM insisted he complete a new patient exam. No we were not happy with this, but we thought well ok, maybe this new person is just wanting to make sure they know all about Chaz and his case. Once again we grossly misjudged the VA.

Chaz's appointment occurred at a time where I had to stay home to make sure kids got where they needed to be so I missed out on meeting this person. I was totally fine with them ordering blood work and etc for Chaz. Chaz requested the same requests with this PCM that he made with the other two PCMs. He wanted Physical Therapy so he could start walking again. He wanted ortho to look at his arm because his arm fusion was temporary and we are going on four years since an ortho doc has looked at it. And he wanted infectious disease because he has a long history of infectious disease and wanted to make sure he was on their radar.

We waited a year. Heard nothing from this PCM. Chaz called, sent messages, and got nothing. Chaz went to make his annual VA appointment for January and they said the earliest he could be seen was March 31. Finally I said enough we are using your Medicare to get you actual care. I could not take it anymore. I wanted someone to actually care about my husband. We found a great doctor here in our community and currently we have gotten more done with Chaz's care in three weeks then we did in four years at the VA. 

As we approached March 31, we had to reschedule his appointment and it was moved to April 7. Which is not too bad in VA time. But by the time of this visit, Chaz had been to PT and had an ortho and infectious disease appointment on the books.

At his very first PT session, Chaz's prosthetic leg fell off and he fell really hard. He hurt quite a bit and a lovely bruise that covered almost all of his leg's amputation site began to appear. Chaz has not taken any prescribed pain meds in years. He does have celebrex for his back, but that would not help him with the pain he had in his leg. Since this incident occurred just before his VA appointment we decided he would just ask his PCM for a pain med that was a little stronger than Motrin and Tylenol.  The one thing the VA is excellent about is prescribing meds.

Chaz went to the appointment, showed the PCM his leg and told the PCM the story and his request. I kid you not the PCM said, "Well you don't look like you are in pain, so no I will not prescribe anything for you," but did order an x-ray for him. The PCM told him if the pain continued then he should come back to the VA or visit the ER. Then the PCM informed him that based on his blood work the PCM decided he now has fatty liver disease. The PCM let Chaz know that they did not approve of him going through Medicare and reminded him he still had to be seen by his PCM at the VA. Lovely, huh?!

Again not kidding, the blood work that was referenced for the fatty liver diagnosis was taken in January 2016. We have three potential paths here with this PCM. #1-This PCM saw the blood work in January 2016, determined the fatty liver disease issue, and chose to not do anything about it. #2-The PCM reviewed blood work in front of Chaz at his appointment and just then made the determination. #3-The PCM was angry that Chaz called them out on their lack of caring and lashed out at him for taking care of himself by now going through Medicare. All proposed paths are 100% inappropriate.

Now you ask what is the PCM doing for the new diagnosis? Well they ordered an ultrasound for mid- May, five weeks from his visit. And Chaz was told to diet and exercise. Did she refer him to PT (which we had previously asked for) or a nutritionist? Nope, just ordered the ultrasound for five weeks later and said for him to cut back on high fat foods.

Sounds like a super serious issue, yes?! We want our veterans to be cared for, yes?! Liver diseases can freaking kill you.

And now you ask who gets to deal with the aftermath of this VA visit? Easy answer, I do. Chaz was livid. I got to be the one who calmed him down. I was the one who assured him that that PCM is a moron and no he should not feel bad for asking for pain meds. I was the one who helped him feel even better about using his Medicare. I was the one that suggested he call the local doctor and tell them what happened. (FYI the local doc had a script for Chaz in less than 30 minutes.) I was the one who cleaned up the PCM's collateral damage.

You want to know why we lose 22 veterans a day to suicide....it's stories like this. We have PCM who looked a double amputee who has a ton of pain issues he struggles with daily and said, "You don't look like you need it," and made him feel like he was a junkie. My girlfriend with vast medical knowledge said it perfectly the other day, "I know Chaz is coping with pain everyday that would cause people to end their lives." There are zero pain med scripts on file for Chaz at the VA. Was that consulted?! Nope, the PCM made their determination by simply looking at him. The PCM did not put their hands on him, they just looked. Then the PCM spun up my hubby with this new random diagnosis based on 14 month old blood work, but offered no true assistance to remedy the diagnosis.

We are so blessed in this house. Chaz was "injured enough" that we can now get real care with people who really care about Chaz. There are so many veterans who are not Medicare eligible and cannot afford other insurance. The VA is their only option and this is the care they are receiving. If you want to be outraged, please go ahead, but know this one veteran will be fully cared for because he is mine. Please be outraged that PCMs like this are "caring" for our veterans everyday and this "care" is exactly why we are losing them to suicide!

Year 6- A Dream Becomes Reality

Six years ago today I sat at my desk in our home in Clarksville, TN. I was up and working away on a tax return when all the calls that turned our lives upside down begin. Six years ago I pushed my dreams way off to the side and committed to helping my family heal.

2016 was a year filled with severe highs and lows. We had our hearts broken a few times, but they are healing. With more time behind us, the heart aches will become just memories.

I left my job with Yellow Ribbon Fund in February 2016. It was a very hard decision to make. Once again, I had to put our family first due to reasons beyond my control. I miss my job and the staff at YRF more than words can say, but it was a decision that had to be made. I will forever be thankful for my years with YRF.

April 2016 Cutie #2 picked up sixteen chickens from 4-H. She has overalls and boots covered in glitter, so she has this farming thing down! We also added two ducks. We had to give three chickens back to 4-H as part of their program, the neighbor's dog ate two, and our Champ "played with one." We currently have ten and we collect eight to ten eggs a day. We love having our feathered ladies here. It was a great addition to our lives.

Summer 2016, I received a call from the Dole Foundation asking if we would fly to California and film some PSAs with Tom Hanks. The hope was this project would help the nation recognize the service and sacrifice of families like ours. Anytime Chaz and I can help military families, we will be there. So off we flew.

Let me go ahead and answer the two questions I always get asked now. Yes, Tom Hanks is amazing. Yes, he is the guy you imagine he would be. We had a blast in California making the PSAs. Here's the link for them.

Cutie #1 and I left CA on that Wednesday and were in NYC that Friday morning for a school sponsored trip. She and I had a blast adding "seeing both coasts in a week" to our life. Cutie #1 also joined the Sister Cities group here in our county. We hosted a student from Japan for a week in our home. It was a great experience for our entire family.

Summer quickly ended and we sent our girls to two different schools for the first time ever. Cutie #1 is in high school (insane to even think about it). She is cheering for her high school and loving it. Cutie #2 is in middle school, but luckily her school is K-8 so she didn't have to switch schools. She is taking dance and is even in pre-pointe. I think we can say we have them officially settled.

Right when we got the girls back into school, I got another call from the Dole Foundation asking me to be on the Today Show with Tom Hanks and then pop down to DC and share our PSAs at the Capitol. Here's the link for that adventure. And here's another link for the Today Show. That day was beyond amazing!

But something pretty great happened in California in Summer 2016. While we were filming the PSAs, Tom Hanks leaned over to me and said something about how I have all this education and knowledge, but because of Chaz's needs I am limited to what I can do. Of course I smiled and said something like yeah pretty much. He asked what can be done about that? I said do the best you can with what you have.

Once we got back home, Chaz and I had a serious conversation. Our original plans were always to let him put in his 20 years, then I would get my turn to develop my career. Well the bomb took care of the 20 years, but deep down I still wanted my dream. My dream (which Chaz always referred to as "The Sugar Momma Plan") was to have an actual brick and mortar building where I can provide financial services (tax prep, financial counseling, all of the things I am licensed to do). Chaz said it was time to get serious about that dream of mine. He and I made lots of plans while the girls were in school and then last week this happened.

I cannot have normal 9-5 hours. I really cannot have any "normal" hours. I have to work by appointment only. But I AM DOING IT!!!! The dream has come true. We have a building!! I have a logo!! It's not much, but it is a start and one huge step forward in our dream!

This all happened because Tom Hanks and the Dole Foundation. No, no one bought the building or anything like that. Chaz and I did it all with saving and planning. The Dole Foundation simply chose us to represent them in the PSA. That connected us to Tom Hanks. He simply inspired us to get back to the dream we chatted about so many years ago. We are so thankful for the PSA experience, because his words were the kick we needed to get serious.

Now everyone asks all the time, "What is Chaz doing?" Chaz is just enjoying life. As many know, he is very limited on what he can actually do physically. He helps out where and when he can. Most importantly he is focused on being an incredibly kick ass father to our cuties. He is still not (and may never be) in a place where he can get a job. We have always taken one day at a time. In 2017, he will continue doing what he is doing, enjoying a life that could have been cut short. And together we are making some pretty great things happen.

Today it occurred to me that Year 6 looks like it will be the year the new normal is finally just our normal. How awesome is that?!

Bathrooms and Education

The biggest story I am seeing right now is about who uses the public bathrooms.

Let me tell you what I worry about when I go into a public restroom. I worry about the bathroom being clean and if there's toilet paper available when I need it. That's it.

What do I worry about when our children use a public bathroom...the exact same thing. Why?! Because I don't let them go alone. I am right there with them. And guess what....I have always worried about them being in public bathrooms. Why?! Because there are people out there who will hurt our kids.

Our girls are 10 and 13, and I still do not let them go to a public bathroom alone. Call me overprotective, I do not care. They are mine and I will protect them. When we travel, I stick to Starbucks and a few gas stations chains because I know the cleanliness level I will be dealing with. I even use my Starbucks app to find the bathroom sometimes. For safety reasons, I also prefer the large open single bathrooms rather than the big ones with several stalls. This is mainly because I can have eyes on my girls the entire time and I control who is in the bathroom with them.

Want to know what a much larger issue is....the state of our education systems! I am still waiting on the equal level of outrage.....looks like I'll be waiting a while.

Our children are being taught to test to take the test to take the test to (wait for it) take the test. And now in Tennessee our wise leaders have now cancelled the test. They dumped over one million tax dollars into a testing system that show us what exactly?! I am not sure, but I know our teachers were going to be held "accountable" for their students' performance. But wait, we'll never know what that means and what our children were going to learn from this massive "investment" because (wait for it) they cancelled the testing.

So teachers, students, administration and staff, you spent the entire year preparing....whoops, sorry about that. Teachers, you poured so much time and effort into planning and teaching for these exams rather than teaching like you always wanted to, whoops, the state just said, "My bad."

Kids, y'all have tested to test to test to test. You are now so full of anxiety you cry to your parents and some of you are even seeking treatment for the unnecessary stress of it all. Some of you don't even want to go to school because of all of this testing. Turns out our state was just pushing you to see how you would cope. I hope you survived their test without needing a prescription. 


I can only speak for the state of Tennessee because that is the system our girls are in, but I know this issue is not exclusive to our state. Kids everywhere are developing anxiety and other stress related medical conditions thanks to the insane amount of testing they have to go through. We are setting the kids up for failure, but we are not outraged about it.

Our teachers are NOT being listened to at all. Let me assure teachers do not teach for the money, the fame, or the summers off. They teach because they were called to teach. The teachers I have been privileged to receive my education from and those who are teaching our children are amazing and they are deserve our respect. Our state just basically showed us they are oblivious to the needs of our children and educators. To me, the state told the teachers that this year they did not care about them teaching, they wanted test results. To me, this entire school year was a waste of time and who knows what damage it will have on our kids.

Apparently the state didn't think to test drive the (one million dollar plus) testing system because it crashed upon going live and then they ordered the kids to paper tests. Apparently they didn't think that through either because they couldn't get the tests out to the schools and the schools that received the tests received incomplete tests and/or the tests were assembled in the wrong order.

What a disaster, disaster, disaster we have on our hands. Time has been wasted and our educators and children are the victims. Our communities will suffer for it in the long run. And what has the state said you ask, the word "whoops" about sums it up.

They used our tax dollars on this system that was supposed to do something for our children. I am still looking for exactly what it was supposed to do. The only thing I have seen is stress, stress and more stress in our girls. As a parent, I am horrified at what our state has done to our education system this year. I feel that the Governor should clean house. I propose that he put actual educators in there to fix this mess ASAP! I would hope real educators wouldn't burn a million dollars on something as ludicrous as this debacle.

Here's the thing with the bathrooms. You have the right to boycott the establishments, make sure and do your business at home only, and various other options. You can end that issue with your individual actions.

Our schools are an entirely separate issue. These kids are our future leaders, doctors, teachers, and citizens and they are being screwed!! Where is the outrage over our children being put on an assembly line and experimented on? Where is the outrage over our teachers spending an entire freaking school year teaching a test because that is what the state said to do?!

When you get out into the real world you do not spend a year preparing to take a test to take a test to take a test year after year after year like what our school systems are forced to make our children do. Life is full of tests, but amazingly bubble sheets don't randomly appear.

We are setting these kids up for failure in life, but making sure the right person uses the right bathroom appears to be a higher priority. I guess I shouldn't confess I have used a few bathrooms marked for men, because I could not hold it any longer. I am so glad laws dictating against that didn't exist then, because I would have totally have went to jail a few times in my past. ;)

Red Tape Diary #5: New Patient

Chaz has been seen at the Murfreesboro VA for over three years now. Once a year we go in for his yearly check in. He called last week to make his appointment to find out his PCM (Primary Care Manager) left the VA in December.

Were we notified? No.
Was he reassigned to a new PCM? No

We only happened to find out because we were being compliant by calling in for a yearly appointment. When Chaz attempted to make his appointment, he was informed that he has to now go through a "New Patient Exam." I probably laughed more than a person should. I looked at him and said something to the effect of you are a new patient when you go to a new practice not when the practice forgets about you and doesn't know how to transfer files.

Here's my problem with all of this. Chaz was a "new patient" in January 2013 when he had his first exam at the VA. He has been reassigned to new providers in the past and never was required to start again as a "new patient." Actually this will be his third PCM since we entered the VA. With this one, they only see "new patients" on certain days and only at 10am and 1pm on those days. Chaz can't be seen until the end of March.

What happens if he needs medical care prior to that date? He should go to the VA's urgent care or ER and get in line there.

And now I am done....Our 100 % permanently and totally disabled wounded are required to also take Medicare and have Tricare for Life so they can see civilian providers. That will be happening this week. We will seek a civilian PCM to care for him. Someone that he can build a relationship of care and trust with. We may have to shop around, but when Chaz becomes a "new patient" it will actually be warranted. We would love to use Chaz's free health care at the VA, but we'll just use the Medicare we have to pay for. After all they say you get what you pay for.

Murfreesboro VA we tried. We worked with you. We gave you the benefit of the doubt, but now we are out of patience with you. The red tape is exhausting. And now you just pushed the starting line back again. How many more times are you going to make our wounded restart their journey to healing? How many more times do they have to rehash events and injuries with new PCMs and attempt to develop a relationship only for you to make them start all over again? Don't worry I'll be there at the "new patient" appointment with him so I can meet the newest person who will probably only stick around for a year, maybe 18 months if we're lucky. I am sure this person will be as nice as the last, but we will just be in check the box mode, because we know they'll leave too.

We have actually liked our providers there, but we feel it's pointless to continue going there where the faces are just going to change. We need continuity of care. We do not get that with the VA. No we get whoever can see him when he's there. Keeping up with all of names is exhausting. This is where I am thankful for all the paperwork I keep because how else could we keep up with all the names?!

I keep reading and hearing that the VA wants to be the veteran's choice for service. Well if you want to achieve that goal you seriously need to get to work. Our families have trust issues and you are not helping by putting us on a carousel of care, where we get whoever stops the ride. We need the spinning to stop. We need people we can trust. We need care. VA you need to do better!

Caregivers and Income Tax Filing

I have had numerous requests to blog about this topic so here we go.....

Let me state my qualifications on this topic.

• I have prepared tax returns since 2001.
• I worked for H&R Block for seven years. 
• I began my own tax preparation company in 2008.
• I was awarded the FINRA Military Spouse Fellowship in Fall 2010.
• I passed the IRS Registered Tax Return Preparer exam in July 2012.
• I became an AFCPE Accredited Financial Counselor in February 2013.
• I fully participate in the IRS Annual Filing Season Program every year. 
• I am a member of both NATP and AFCPE.  
• Oh and I've been a military spouse since 2001 and caregiver since 2011.

The topic of income tax in the wounded world is often very confusing. Many do not understand a few key concepts that can make you income tax filing a bit easier or even eliminate the need for you to file. I fully acknowledge that you need a translator to understand the IRS at times. Let me help with a bit of the translation. (Please take note I have linked sites to many items listed.)

Let's start with income itself. We have two categories: earned and unearned.

• Earned income simply means you have actually worked a job of some sort and received payment from working. You will receive a W2 or 1099 MISC from this income. If you are running your own business, you will need a detailed log of your income and expenses in order to report them. 
• Unearned income simply means the income came to you through passive means, meaning you did not work to receive it. The most common type of unearned income I see comes from interest earned from savings accounts and/or social security.

In the caregiver world here are the sources of income that primarily concern us.

• Social Security Income
• VA Caregiver Program Stipend
• VA Compensation for the Veteran
• CRSC Combat-Related Special Compensation
• Non-Medical Attendant Pay 

These sources of income are non-taxable and are unearned income. Social Security Income only becomes taxable when your earned income exceeds the limits set by the Social Security Administration. However even if your SSI is taxable it is still unearned income and will not be considered for tax credits.

Now let me post a few questions that are frequently asked.

What if my child(ren) receive Social Security?
Here's a great link that will go into further detail, but usually the child's social security income is not reported on an income tax return.

How do I receive Child Tax Credit and/or Additional Child Tax Credit?
You must first have earned income to be eligible for the credit. If you have earned income, then the credit will be calculated based on that income and the amount of qualifying child(ren) you have. Unearned Income will not qualify you for this credit.

How do I receive Earned Income Tax Credit?
Like Child Tax Credit you must have earned income to be eligible for the credit. If you have earned income, the credit will be calculated based on that income and the amount of qualifying child(ren) you have. Unearned Income will not qualify you for this credit.

How does the Affordable Care Act impact us?
Everyone must either have health care coverage or meet the requirements for an exemption. If you do not have coverage or meet the exemption then you are assessed a penalty on your income tax return. If you have only unearned income, then you will meet the requirements for an exemption. If you have Tricare, Champ VA, or other health care coverage, you will receive your 1095 form from your company for you to show your tax professional and to keep in your records.

Do we need to file a tax return?!
Visit this IRS link to find out or contact a professional.

Please remember every income tax filing situation is fact dependent. It is always best to consult a professional with any additional questions. Here are a few links to help you find a professional.

• https://www.irs.gov/uac/Authorized-IRS-e-file-Providers-for-Individuals
• https://www.irs.gov/Tax-Professionals/IRS-Tax-Pro-Association-Partners
• https://www.irs.gov/Individuals/Free-Tax-Return-Preparation-for-You-by-Volunteers
• http://www.afcpe.org/
• http://www.natptax.com/AboutNATP/Pages/Find-a-Tax-Preparer.aspx

Best wishes on your tax filing! May the odds be ever in your favor!
Jessica Allen, AFC

5 Years Ago.....

Five years ago the morning of January 22nd was so normal when it started.

Five years ago I was just another Army wife trying to get through another deployment on her own.

Five years ago our girls were 5 and 8.

Five years ago my husband was just another soldier on a routine patrol. 

Five years ago our journey began....

I have learned so much in the past five years. I have learned about myself, my character, my ethics, my heart, and my strength. I have learned that God sure knew what he was doing went he put my husband on my path. I have learned that our children are absolutely amazing. I have learned about the art of medicine. I have learned that love can really conquer all. I have learned normal doesn't really exist. And I have learned healing from the wounds of war doesn't get better, it just gets different.

I am very proud of our family's journey. We have been through a lot. We have seen a lot. And we have been blessed more than I can say. 

Everyone's journey is different. I know some have not approved of decisions we have made along the way. Maybe they were right, maybe they were wrong. One thing is for sure we made the decisions that we felt were best for the four of us.

Our journey isn't about one person; it is about our family healing together. Sure my husband was the one who stepped on the bomb and has the most visible injuries. However, others so quickly forget the wounds in the heart and mind that they cannot see. And they seldom look beyond the chair or the prosthetic legs.

When I saw my husband for the first time, I immediately noticed his legs were missing and all of the machines he was attached to. Do you know what I remember the most about that moment? The look he gave me when I walked into the room. He needed someone who loved him to tell him it was all going to be ok. That was my job on that day and it is still my job each and everyday that he or the girls need it.

This journey is never easy. As soon as one fire is put out, two more pop up. Dealing with the mounds of paperwork and drama is absolutely exhausting. I often wonder how I am not an alcoholic by now. However every January 22nd I am reminded that no matter what fire comes our way, I can remember all we have overcome since that day in 2011. These memories show me that together we can overcome anything that comes our way!

I Don't Know How You Do It?!

My title is a sentence that is said to me so often I have lost count. I thought I would give the cliff notes version of my daily schedule.

1. I get up at 4:30am Monday to Friday. On weekends I am up in the 5am hour. Why?! Because I need a good 30 minutes with my own brain before I add in any other brains into my day. 
2. The first thing I do is consume my vitamin drink then I follow it with one half of a lemon squeezed into 2 cups of warm water. I get my breakfast ready (usually a poached egg with one piece of toast and a cup of chai) and make my way to my desk.
3. One weekdays I am working by 5am. Why?! Because no one answers their emails that early. I get so much done between 5-6. I even amaze myself sometimes.
4. Kids get first wake up call at 6. They have to be at school by 730. First call is at 6, then serious wake up call is 630. We have learned that rather than rushing and panicking (which still happens sometimes) we do the multiple calls to get them moving. At some point hubby is up and moving so then this is where the me going in a gazillion directions kicks in. 
5. Once the girls are up and moving and/or at or off to school (we take turns driving them) I look at the board to see what we are doing for dinner. I live by the crockpot. My mother says our home is where crockpots go to die. I have to admit she is correct. I kill at least one crockpot per year. 
6. Then I am back to work. I spend my days bouncing between work, hubby's needs, cleaning and whatever else gets tossed in. It is really crazy, but I do find time to take a lunch break with my hubby as many times during the week as possible.
7. Kids are back home in the 3pm hour. It's homework, extra curricular activities, and chill/snack time. I try my hardest to have all of my work completed by 3. Sometimes I succeed and sometimes I fail. My ultimate goal is to give the girls as much of my time as possible since they have been gone all day.
8. Dinner is served in the 5-6pm hour. 
9. Then it's reading, baths, snacks and bed.On school nights everyone here is in bed by 8. I am usually the first one out, but 8 is our shut down and be quiet time.

Do I think everyone needs to be up at 430am? No, this is just what works for me and our home. While the first 4 hours of our day Monday-Friday are basically the same, no day is ever the same around here. We tend to stick to this format, but life happens and sometimes our format gets tossed right out the window. When we are on vaca, I usually stick pretty close to the up in the 5am hour, but everything else is up in the air. I am a creature of habit and function best on a schedule, but I do love vaca!!

As you can see I carpe that diem, then sleep, and repeat. There are 24 hours in each day, I am highly selective on which ones I chose to use as pause time. You are correct to assume I received excellent marks in school for time management. Ha!!

The More You Know......

2015 will be the year I wish I knew less. I always joke about the NBC "The More You Know" banner that would run after they enlightened our country about an issue of some sort when I was growing up. As I have learned things this year, you could hear me saying "The More You Know" and could imagine my own NBC banner with the rainbow star coming across. But as I get older, I find that sometimes I wish I knew less.

I miss my happy bubble. I miss thinking that our government took true care of the veterans they chose to send straight into harms way. I miss thinking that everyone cared about other people. I miss thinking that everyone could see past the end of their own nose. I miss thinking that a person's word truly meant something. I miss promises made were actually promises filled.

2015 brought us another roller coaster year. We had another 12 months of twists and turns. We held on and we have made it through....again. (We're getting pretty good at this roller coaster thing.)

How did we make it through?! Because we have made the peace with the fact that we are on our own. The white horse is not coming. Promise makers have their own lives and over commit. We acknowledge life just happens. People forget they even made commitments and promises. We fully embrace the fight for the wounded never, ever ends and truly only the wounded and those who fight with them know the battle continues.

What does that mean for us?! It simply means things will get done when we get to them. We can either sit down and count all the things people never followed through with or we can make a list of what needs to be done and sketch them all out in 2016. We chose the later.  

This year we learned that we will focus on the few amazing people who were brought into our lives rather than focusing on the turds that need to be smacked in the face a few times with a hard object. There was so much positive in this year, we will choose to focus on that rather than the negative that attempted to take root and tried to ruin our happy. 




Let's highlight some of that awesomeness.....

• We now have this amazing home that Chaz can get around in with almost zero difficulties!!! That in itself is huge for us! For years we have waited for him to have freedom like we have now.
• The girls chose to go back to school. Their school is fabulous and we are all very happy with the choice.
• I have been granted some greatness with my job at YRF for 2016. Lots and lots and lots of planning, research and work has gone into what we are launching. I am thrilled over it. 

See three awesome things. Boom! There there's the super, duper short list and we close 2015 and welcome 2016 with open arms!!

2015 was not a bad year, it was just another year of hard lessons that had to be learned. We will take our lessons, combine that with our faith and keep moving forward. Bring on a new year!!

Elfin' Fun

It cracks me up to see what polarizes people these days. It's like we have to be on a side of every issue. Sometimes we make an issue out of the issue. Take the Elf on a Shelf for example.....

I have had people tell me they hate that we participate in such foolishness. Then I have friends text me, scolding me for forgetting to post pics of what our elves are up to....whoops that just reminded me....

We invited the elves into our home in 2011. Why?! Because our life kinda sucked then. We were still dealing with Walter Reed and trying to heal and hit set-back after set-back. Our girls missed their friends. We all wanted to just move on and go home. We were stuck in the blahs. We needed to have some true fun. Yes, it is that simple.

Why have we continued? Because it's fun! Our little family of four enjoys having the elves for the short time they are here. 

Our elves do not tattle on our kids to Santa. Our girls know the true meaning of Christmas. For us the elves are just a way to make the holiday season even more joyous and fun. Seriously, it's that simple. There is no underlying theory of destruction of the true meaning of any holiday or religion, nor are we supporting the theory of perpetuating a police state. It's just simple fun!!

I believe we could all use a little more fun in our lives. Sometimes life really sucks and it kicks your ass. And when you are a child trapped in a situation that most adults can't handle, you deserve a little bit of fun every once in a while. Sure there are lots of other ways to have fun, this is just one way we have fun in our home. It's just simple, harmless fun.

Here's the thing with the elves....if you want to do it, do it. Have fun with it and don't let anyone spoil it for you. If you think it is silly and you don't want to do it, don't. But don't be a Grinch and ruin another person's joy because you disagree. It's just that simple. ;)

Selfish Saturday

My birthday was two weeks ago. Months prior my best friend from college and I decided that we should take a Saturday for ourselves and hit the pause button on adulting for a day. We decided that was a beyond excellent decision that must be repeated.

My friend, Jessica, is my best friend for a long list of reasons. Here are just a few.....

1. We have the same name. (Seriously, isn't that awesome?)
2. We attended the same college. (We are approaching the 20 year mark on this relationship.)
3. She is my little sister in our sorority. (Kappa Delta, by the way)
4. Perhaps most importantly we LOVE UK basketball. (There have been some great texts over that topic for sure.)

In all seriousness, the reason our friendship works so well is that we both live insanely busy lives, so we understand each other very well. Once we are in the same room it is like absolutely no time has passed and we just pick up where we left off. We do not get to see each other often and our friendship is a fueled on text messages, but it works for us.

We have been there for each other in our darkest days and can easily recall the calls that led to floods of tears. Together we have healed through the frequently truckloads of drama the Lord knows we can handle. It is the healing together through adversity that has made our bond so strong.

Neither of us make time for ourselves beyond the occasional hair appointment or perhaps random kid-free trip to the store. We are great at telling others (including each other) how important that is for self-care, but our self-care comes in the the massive amounts of books we read. We both love to escape into our books and that occupies a chunk of our conversation when we see each other.

But we did it!! We were selfish together for the first time!! We both worked and ran away to Lexington, KY on a Friday. Selfish Saturday 2015 began the next morning. The entire day, we did what we wanted. We did not have hubbies or kids whining, nor chiming in. We finished our day celebrating my first visit to the Rupp Arena and cheered on our UK Wildcats together!

We had a blast and of course we both had to go home super early on Sunday because we have too many responsibilities. But we did it!!! The ladies who preach about self-care, actually took time for themselves! It was amazing! I am overjoyed we did it! And I cannot wait to do it again!

It will be a long time before another Selfish Saturday will come around for us. I can assure you, we will do it again and again and again. I am so thankful for my friend. I am so thankful that we took the time to be together. I look forward to many more selfish days in our future!

Get the Stories Out

We currently reside in a county that is probably 99.7% civilian. Most of what they know about military life comes from the media, Lifetime or the movies. Truth be told, they don't want to hear the actual truth about what our families go through. They only want to hear the "cool stories" about the wars and not about the healing that takes place.

I am learning that civilians truly believe that the government takes cares of our family's every single need. They don't understand the amount of red tape that exists for us, because the amount of red tape we cut through does not exist in the civilian world.

Many think that buying a green light bulb will actually help our families. They don't understand that our level of need and assistance goes way beyond a simple purchase.

Lies about our benefits make civilians envious of our "lavish" lifestyles and cause them to not to friend us.

When our children share their life experiences, apparently our children "think they are better" than others and this makes it harder for them to make friends.

When a veteran serves our country, apparently he must be violent and angry so we need to stay away.

When the caregivers of our wounded choose to have a job and/or independence and/or not make their entire existence about the catastrophic injury, then apparently the caregiver is selfish and should be ashamed.  

When our wounded get prosthetic legs, apparently that makes everything all better. 

We have an abundance of ignorance in the civilian world. We need to get our stories out there so more can understand. Most importantly we have to not be angry at people for not understanding. You cannot comprehend something that you know little to nothing about. It is our job to inform and educate not hold it all in and lash out because someone simply doesn't understand.

With Veterans Day approaching, this is a great time to get those stories out there and help combat the ignorance. I challenge all of our military friends to tell one civilian a day about our military life and how the fight for the families of our wounded, ill, injured, killed and missing never ends. I challenge you to let everyone know we lose 22 veterans a day to suicide. The only way to lessen the ignorance is to increase the education.

It's Just Different

I come across so many active duty caregivers who always ask, "Does it get better?" when referring to this journey. I don't like being a Debbie Downer or Negative Nancy, but I also cannot lie.....

It doesn't get better. It just gets different.

We were so spoiled at Walter Reed. One thing is for sure they get a F- for assimilation and preparation for the next steps of this journey. I feel like they set us all up for failure with their lack of preparation for what's next. I wish we would have had a veteran and his wife come and talk to us about the next steps. They could have warned us about all the dates and timelines we needed to be aware of. I wish someone would have given us real time data on the red tape procedures, who/what you need to look for, and who can truly be your advocate. I wish they would have talked to us about all sorts of things. Instead we just dropped off of the Army assemble line left to walk and figure it all out. I am not saying they should be holding our hands through all of this. What I am saying is Walter Reed sets you up for failure.

While you are there you have a big wide world of assistance at your finger tips. Here on the other side you have to make a gazillion phone calls to find one lead to find assistance. Here are two examples....

Need an adjustment to your prosthetic legs.
Walter Reed: Roll on in to see the guys. They do it right then and there.
VA: Call your NCM to tell your PCM. PCM tells the prosthetic department. When you finally get the prosthetic adviser on the phone, they remind you that they cannot work on your legs (which you already knew, but you have to go through them anyway) because they are too technologically advanced. They then put in a referral for an outside provider. Once that finally goes through, you find someone and begin treatment. Make sure you know the expiration on your permission form to be out in the civilian world. If that expires while you are being treated at the civilian office you then have to wait for another referral to be put in and authorized.

Broken wheelchair.
Walter Reed: Call Pete on his personal cell and he'll meet you asap.
VA: Call NCM to tell them to tell the PCM. They tell another department (I can't remember the name, because it's something other than wheelchair department). Then that department eventually calls you and says that the break sounds almost impossible to have occurred they need proof. You take a picture and send it in. Then they finally acknowledge it and then whoops, they can't fix the chair and it has to be referred out. This time they don't tell you the name of the provider so you just wait in a broken wheelchair for someone to randomly call to help you. They do and then it turns out they have to order parts. So you wait and thank your wife for keeping the previous wheelchair so you have something to use while you wait for the repairs.

These are just two examples, but it gives you an idea of how things go through the VA. With that said, we do love our VA. We are happy with our PCM, NCM and several other personnel there. However Chaz has a banker's box full of things wrong with him and our VA can only see him for audiology, standard colds or allergies and things like that. In regards to every other department, they do not have the experience or expertise to assist him. So he has to be fee based out and that involved referrals and it is freaking exhausting to keep up with all of it and it is on you to keep track. 

At Walter Reed, the professionals there just magically make everything work for you. They do so much work behind the scenes. You realize Walter Reed is simply a magically place, like a medical Disney World, once you are in the suck of civilian life and the VA.

I tell caregivers I don't feel like it gets better on the other side. I feel that your freedom from the Army's painful bureaucracy is short lived when you realize you are faced with a bigger bureaucratic nightmare. I feel that things are as good as they will get for us. I feel that the beginning of this journey at Walter Reed fighting for this or that simply prepares you to keep fighting. The fighting doesn't stop when the war comes home to you. Instead you have different fronts to fight in a never ending war of healing the wounded.

Chaz's health is the best it can be. We acknowledge that and are already preparing for the deterioration that will eventually come. People do not like to hear that word deterioration. They seem to think that we feel depressed about our life, when it is actually the opposite. We are not depressed at all. We have accepted our reality. We are different and we are perfectly fine with that.  The fight for us will never end. We acknowledge and accept it will not get better for us, it will only be different.

A Little Update

Whoa....it's been two months since I have written anything. Someone had to point that out to me when asking if we are ok. Yes we are perfectly fine, just busier than ever before.

I just said to a friend the other day that I needed to make time for writing. I really have missed it. However life has gotten in our way again and again and again. Let me give a little breakdown......

• We are still trying to get our home finished. Our builders abandoned us (wish I was making that up) and we still have all sorts of little things that need to be finished. Slowly but surely we are getting them knocked out. We are at about 95% completion. We'll get there. I just need to "you tube" a few things and get the stuff knocked out. It's finding the time....
• Chaz was rear-ended by a distracted driver. Getting his van fixed involves a lot of extra planning and effort. The guy did say he hurt his ankle to Chaz and was taken away in an ambulance. So yeah, there's that....
• The girls returned to public school. So far, so good there. Love their school!!
• Deryn made the cheerleading team at school. 
• Ryann joined the local community basketball organization. 
• Our dear friends home burnt down and we moved them in with us.
• I still work A LOT!!! 
• We spent a week at Gulf Shores for the girls' Fall Break.
• We are still unpacking and organizing our home. 
• Chaz's wheelchair broke and we are trying to get the VA to fix it. 
• One of his legs broke. Just got those back yesterday.  

That's the short list. Things are crazy around here, but I have a lot of blogs brewing!! Hopefully I will find the time soon to start churning them out!! ;)

 

What If She Was Yours?

I have always had quiet a bit of feminism in me. Too many women fought for the rights that we have. I do believe that in many, many, many circumstances I am equal and sometimes even superior to my male counterparts. Throughout my short life, I have fought the "you're just a girl" comments and have even used them as fuel to push harder.

I remember my grandfather telling me that since I was a girl and from the South, I would have to fight twice as hard to prove my worth. I would have to be twice as smart. And most importantly get my tears in check.

I was told by a high school guidance counselor that I was "just an average girl" and I shouldn't apply for any colleges other than the local community college. Then when acceptance letters poured in from every college I applied to, she called me into her office and yelled at me for not getting her permission and she let me know I created a lot of extra work for her.

I had a college professor look at me straight in the face and tell me that "the only thing that women have done throughout history is give birth to significant men." He fought me on almost every step of earning my history degree, but I went to my adviser and we figured out a new path so I could achieve the double degree.

I was fired from my job for giving birth to our first child. Since I missed an audit (because I was seriously in labor) it was deemed that I was not responsible enough to continue my job.

Just a few weeks ago I questioned our builders on things they were doing to our home and invoices we were paying. Rather than having an adult conversation, emotions went flying, I felt attacked and insulted and they next thing I knew I was in someone's face. I was told to "Go hob-nob back in DC and see if that gets your house finished." Rather than us discussing the questions I had, I was attacked and written off because I was a woman and my job was downgraded to "hob-nobbing."

Right after we moved here, the editor to the local paper wrote a note that he was upset that women would be featured on money soon. He wanted to know if they would use a picture of women shopping or vacuuming. I was assured he was only kidding, but I really don't think he was. He sure did spend a lot of time on something that was supposed to be taken as a joke and his joke sure did have a degrading manor to it.

In the news now we have Ronda Rousey, two females who qualified for Ranger tabs, a female NFL ref and the US women's soccer team. They are all achieving such incredible levels of awesomeness that this mother of two girls is beyond excited that our girls have new faces to look to for inspiration.

I had two females who were in the public eye when I was growing up who inspired me, Senator Elizabeth Dole and Sally Ride. That's it. The rest of my inspiration came from men. And having the honor to work with one of the women I always looked up to is inspiring beyond words!!

For some reason our society feels the need to squash female achievement any way we can. The comments that have come out about the women who are hitting these new goals are primeval. Seriously, what year is this?!

I will proudly admit I have no desire to participate in a MMA fight, play soccer, complete Ranger course or referee the NFL, but if that is something you want to do I will cheer you on!! I will also proudly share your accomplishments with our daughters.

I am so blessed that my grandfather encouraged me to light my own path. I am so thankful to have a husband that puts up with my loud mouth and opinions. I am thankful for brothers (related and not) who will not tolerate someone putting me or my work down. I am thankful for a job that values me and my opinion.

I will admit the one thing I love about my job is that I am treated as an equal. I have lost track of how many times I have been in a room and had to pull the "yes I am a woman, but I know what I am talking about" card. But with YRF, our board actually asks my opinion and it is lovely to be valued.

Now to all of you keyboard commandos, here is the question I would like to pose to you. What if one of these awesome women were a part of your life? What if they were your wife, girlfriend, sister or daughter? Would you still be so brave behind your keyboard and fire off your disgusting comments? I know that when I have been cyber-attacked it has enraged my husband and those who know me so well. But like I always say, "We don't win internet wars with people who obviously cannot pull their heads out of their own ass."

Why can we not just take the time to think that what they are accomplishing it awesome?! Why do we have to belittle and question how they got there? We don't question the male counterparts to the same degree.

Once words are out there, they cannot be taken back. Sure you can delete your comment, but you already threw it out and someone felt that sting. Been there, felt that. My favorite was the person who said they'd "wish I would die so my family would live happily ever after." Yup, not going to forget that one any time soon.

So keyboard commandos, is you are so brave behind the keyboard, why not channel that bravery and go make your own mark rather than lashing out at women who are making their place in history?! If you took all of your jealousy and hate and channeled it into positive productivity then we would all have a much better world. But wait, you'd have to come out from behind your keyboard.....

Let's Go for a Run....

I randomly decided I would run a 5k with my friend, Demetria, last night. I have not ran even one mile in the last month, so yeah it sounded totally sane to take off and run 3.1.

I needed it. I needed to burn off all my frustrations. My legs are already sore and I will be best friends with Tylenol and Motrin today, but I needed that run. I needed to sweat away all the things that are driving me crazy. Bonus!! I was the last runner in, so I brought four cop cars in with me last night to the finish line. I am super proud that I helped them get back safely to the finish line. And the craziest part was that I had my best 5k time ever.

As caregivers we put our selves last, as moms we are guilty of that too, therefore I am double guilty. I have really been just giving myself away to the world here in the past month. If I am not working, then I am working on this house. I have found very little time for me. I love to read, but most nights I am barely getting a chapter read.

Our house is not finished. We can live in it, but our builders still have lots of cosmetic things to do. To be honest, I have no idea when it will be finished. I honestly feel like this house is going to be like I-24....always under construction some where.

I feel like we truly cannot unpack and live in our home because we do not know from day to day who is coming or not. People show up at 5am one day then don't show up for days. Then one person randomly shows up. FYI apparently you are supposed to be ok with all of this and you are not supposed to question the randomness, because that offends people. And it is ok for people to smoke on your property where ever they want and you shouldn't say anything about that. Oh and it's totally ok that every deadline has been missed and a list of things still need to be finished, but they have other projects to work on so they'll get back to you when they can. Yeah, that's why I needed a run.


I finished our bathrooms July 4th weekend. With help from friends, I finished our closets the following weekend. I guess I am finishing the rest of the house too, because we sure as heck aren't getting any direct answers or plan of execution. We are just supposed to sit and wait for them to show up and finish I guess.

I am choosing to focus on the fact we can live in the house. I am choosing to focus on the fact that Chaz can get around so freely! The house is absolutely lovely and we love it, but we'd really like to make it a home, not a home in the middle of a construction site. I am choosing optimism and hope, when yesterday I seriously wanted to throat punch someone.

And at the end of the day, we do not regret walking away from the non-profit that promised to build our home. We may have our frustrations, but I would rather deal with this any day then what we would have faced with the non-profit.

In other good news, we have sold our home and will close on it this week. We are really excited that it sold so quickly and we fully credit our realtor for the success of the sale. She has done a wonderful job and we are very happy with her services.

We are looking to August to be a month of greatness for our family. I know that for months now I have said, "If we can just make it to (fill it a time frame) things will be better." Well in August we will only own one home and we will be able to give it all of our attention. Our girls will start school and we will adjust to not having them with us all the time. (By the way, I am already super sad that I will miss out of eight hours of their day five days a week soon.) August is going to be great! Now to get to the finish line of July.

So We Moved.....

Our Clarksville home is empty and will be put on the market soon. Our belongings are in our new home. And our bodies, pets, personal information and technology.....well that is all at my sister's house.

We currently cannot live in our house. Why?! Because people didn't come to work and volunteers didn't show up as promised. That is the reason.

I will not lie, this has been one of the most stressful and exhausting weeks I have had in memory. Our movers were college kids who seriously did not care about anything but getting off from work. They broke several pieces of our furniture and finally we just told them to leave. (We will be discovering their damage for a long time to come I am sure.)

Since we did not have a fridge ready, we chose to leave our groceries in Clarksville and that I would get them when I picked up the youngest cutie from camp. When I arrived, I discovered CDE decided to turn off the power, when I specifically asked for them to just turn off the phone, cable and internet only. We lost $500 in groceries. I sure did get to pack up the groceries...I packed them right up into the garbage.

I stood in our Clarksville kitchen and cried all of my makeup off on Friday. The stress and frustration won. Sometimes it is just best to cry and let it go. I did feel so much better once I just let it all out.

Just like everything else that has happened to us, we are making the best out of it. We have missed our nephews growing up, so we are enjoying all the time we are getting to actually get to know them. I personally am enjoying getting to actually work on our home. I love power tools and home repairs. The builders kept saying that I shouldn't do it. Well I don't take no very well for an answer so I am working on all of the cosmetic things that don't require licenses and training. If I do the little cosmetic stuff, they can stay focused on the real issues and get us in! We are team players and for sure. Chaz and I do not stand on the side lines when we can jump in and help the team. 

I wanted a fully functioning bathroom so I grabbed my little brother, Demetria and my drill and boom we have a bathroom! No more port-a-potty for our family! ;)

Demetria's hubby Ray has been mowing our grass all this time. Thanks to Nine Line Foundation and Ray, Chaz got to fire up his mower yesterday and he mowed our grass for the first time.

It seriously does look like they are racing. (Thanks to Demetria for these pics.)They actually did get the grass mowed and even took time to show the girls how to mow.

Before anyone goes ballistic on our builders, please don't. They cannot force people to come to work. They cannot force people who say they want to "help" to actually help. They cannot force volunteers to actually show up and follow through. Please know they are seriously working seven days a week to help get us in. It is a VERY frustrating situation for all of us. We are a team and we are all working together to reach the finish line.

I am declaring this week is our week! Our home will be inspected and we will be able to live in it. We will get to go through the boxes (and probably toss out more than we want to thanks to our mover friends). We will unpack our lives and start living our new chapter of our new normal!! And the next blog I write will be from our forever home!

Closing the Chapter

The time has come to close our chapter in Clarksville. I know we will be back for visits, but our residency is ending. Our address has been changed. Our mail is being forwarded. The seventeen years of our relationship and family are sitting in boxes all around us just waiting for people to deliver them to another destination.

We will never forget the 101st and how great they were to our family. We will forever and always be a Screaming Eagle family.

It is bittersweet. We have so many memories here. It is truly hard to put this all into words without crying......again.

As I sit here at my desk for the last time in this house, I cannot help but to think of sitting here on January 22, 2011 when the call that changed our lives came. I cannot stop all the thoughts of things that were said and things that happened since that day.

Even though I have have been blessed with over three decades of life, I feel that a bomb truly taught me to live. It taught me what is really important in life.

My goal in life is to leave things better than I found them. I truly believe we have done that here in Clarksville. 

We will always praise the storm that was created by a bomb. We will always praise the event that was meant to destroy lives, because Chaz's one step that changed our lives has also changed and impacted so many others in such a positive way.

We close our Clarksville chapter in approximately 24 hours. We are so thankful for our time here. And we truly hope that the new residents that occupy this home after us will make as many wonderful memories as we have!

Red Tape Diary Entry #4 (Benches and Urinals)

Chaz and I avoid the VA. Why?! Because it is always a headache unless we are dealing with our care team only. Our VA care team knows us. They know if we ask for something we need it. They aren't always able to help, but they are for sure on our side. And best of all our care team doesn't treat us like we are a hassle. Our care team treats us like family, which is why we love working with them.

Chaz uses a few medical supplies every single day. Due to the frequency of use, they wear out and need to be replaced. We do not ask for items to be replaced unless they actually need to be replaced. It truly bothers me that we have to go through OT to get these items and when we do we have to have to endure the Spanish Inquisition.

Why so many questions?! Well it turns out some of our veterans are abusing the system. They are obtaining medical supplies and selling them on them online. So apparently the answer to this problem is treat every veteran and caregiver as if they are going to do the same.

We needed a new shower bench. I am not sure if this is the first or second one we have asked for since January 2013, but I really don't care at this point. I threw away Chaz's old shower bench. Why? Because it was covered in rust and mold. He uses it every single day, sometimes more than once a day and it was time for it to be replaced. I know we have used it for quite sometime so I was more than happy to toss it for him.

Since beginning of this journey, we have always had two shower benches. One stays in the bathroom for daily use and one stays packed up for travel. When the one in the bathroom wears out, I toss it and replace it with the travel bench and then we ask for a new one. We get a new one about once a year, it's really not that often and we couldn't remember when we asked for the last one.

I take very good care of his shower benches. They are broken down and cleaned when I clean the bathroom and we wipe them off with disinfectant wipes everyday since that padding directly touches his skin. I was informed this week that his shower benches are supposed to last for 5 years and next time I shouldn't throw it away I should bring it in with me and they will decide if he needs a new one.

Um no, OT does not make the call on infectious diseases. Chaz is prone to collect all sorts of fun stuff. We are still rebuilding his immune system after three flesh eating bacterias, shingles and I can't even remember what else in the span of less than 4 years. This would be why we clean and dispose like we do. That bench needs to be cleaned daily and since we do it breaks down the padding cover. And seriously he and I will determine when he needs a new bench not people who see him for the first time and don't take the time to read the chart. FYI there is no way in Hell those benches will last 5 years with daily use and cleaning. That is just so not happening.

They let us know that the bench Chaz needed had to be ordered, we said ok, then they tried to give him a different bench because they had it. That bench would not work because Chaz needs the padding for his back injury. We tried the cheaper bench while at Walter Reed and it is not as supportive nor is it comfortable for him. We had to once again justify and argue for his needs.

Again new people, not reading the chart trying to decide what needs to happen versus people who deal with his needs everyday. Now take a second and think about our veterans who don't have caregivers advocating for them and insisting on the medical staff acknowledging their needs. 

Then I asked for more urinals. Chaz cannot reach any of the toilets here without transferring so he has to use urinals multiple times per day. Those things get disgusting quick. We bleach them and yuck they just have to go. I asked for three and I was returned with "Why so many?" I said because we have three bathrooms and I think he shouldn't have to wait for us to get him one, they should be right there. (Crazy, I know.)

It was at this point I was enlightened about veterans getting equipment and selling it. I informed them that I will sign something agreeing to not selling his equipment online or period. Which would not be a bad idea, just saying. Or actually keep up with the veteran's equipment requests and when you see repetitive requests, then make them bring in the equipment that the replacement request is for. (Yes I'll save the urinals for them and bring them in.) Everything is in the system, you can pull it up and look at it. I've seen Chaz's and I bet they can as well.

If I had it my way we would have three new urinals delivered at least once a month and the bench once a year, but no I have to go through the yards of red tape to get them from the VA. So I just buy them when we need them and request them from the VA when I think about it. Then when I think about it, I regret it.

Here's what I will never understand. If you are so bitter and complacent about your job, then quit. I understand working with people is hard. Working with our veterans can be very hard. Some of them are so angry and it is hard to deal with that anger. However 99.9% of them are amazing Americans. We should all focus on that. Don't let the rotten apples ruin the bunch to where you treat everyone as scammer. We are all so tired that we want to make our VA experience as delightful as possible. We really don't want to be there, so please don't make it any worse than it has to be. Most importantly remember that if it wasn't for our nation's heroes you would be unemployed. Be thankful for them, because they not only served and sacrificed for you, they are your entire reason for employment. And most importantly listen to the caregiver who is with them every single day and knows their needs way better than you do.