I'm Lost....

For those who don't know, we left the girls in TN with my mom. Bethesda is not the best environment for our girls. Truth be told, they don't like Bethesda at all. They miss Walter Reed and remind us of this frequently. They like DC and they like our apartment in Silver Spring. They love our friends we have all made here. But when we are at the hospital the girls do not feel welcome at all. They want to get out of there as fast as possible. Because of their feelings, we limit their trips to the hospital. Chaz has to go everyday, but the girls and I don't. Therefore I find other things for the girls and I to do that do not involve the hospital.

Tuesday morning Chaz and I went to the hospital together. I had a meeting so we went in together. I stood in the kitchen and just couldn't shake the thought that I was forgetting something. Well I guess my sweet hubby read my mind because he touched my arm and said, "The girls are in TN." I quickly realized he was absolutely correct. I was back in multi-tasker mode and it was a Tuesday and my brain was checking boxes and those boxes didn't have to be checked. It was so weird and I was lost. Chaz of course thought it was hilarious.

Chaz and I are those weird parents who actually like being with their kids. We enjoy seeing life through their eyes. I know our girls have been a huge part of their healing. Chaz and I have made all of our choices with them in mind. We have been very careful making sure they come first. Leaving them in TN was one of those hard choices. Our girls deserve the chance to enjoy their childhood. Chaz and I are blessed with very supportive families and they want to help our family succeed. My mom has just been a god send with all of this. She not only listens but helps us where ever we need the help.

You know our families miss us ridiculously. My mom works for a school system and has summer's off. The girls wanted to hang with their friends and go to some camps. So it all just worked out perfectly. I'll say it again we are so blessed. 

I have said so many times this might be a "normal PCS" (Permanent Change of Station) for the Army, but there's not one "normal" piece in this PCS for our wounded families. In a normal PCS, we'd be selling our house, packing up and relocating somewhere and more than likely a hospital wouldn't even be involved. Instead Chaz's place of duty is his appointments at the hospital. We still are paying a mortgage for a home that sits vacant most of the time and we refer to it as our "vacation home."

Please don't think I am complaining. I am actually beyond thankful that I have him here with me right now. I am beyond thankful that those wounded have paved a great road for us. Their sacrifices have caused us to go through less stress. It's just some days this PCS gets a little frustrating.

I have given Chaz up again and again and now I have him all to myself. The best part of all of this is that I get my hubby. These days without the girls, I really have him to myself. I don't have to compete with those two girls who are younger and way cuter than I am and they trump me every time. ;)

I carry a lot of guilt right now, because we left the girls in TN. I know the girls are happier there on a daily basis then I could make them here right now. That's really hard to accept. I am the one who is supposed to make them happy. It's my job. I keep telling myself I am doing my job by allowing them to stay behind with their friends. But it's still very hard to admit.

My friend and I were discussing how horrible choosing between your hubby and kids really is. She totally understands my guilt. She too has sent her children to family for their happiness. It is so incredibly hard to do. But I always say the hardest decisions seem to be the right ones in the end.

I have to laugh because in a meeting I said we were leaving the girls in TN with grandma. This lady said, "Summers with Grandma are the best." I said, "In normal life they are, but when you're healing a warrior it is a little different." I then explained to her that we're leaving the girls there because of their feelings of Bethesda. I then explained at Walter Reed we had a feeling of community with in the hospital's grounds. Bethesda is a hospital and perhaps one day will build a sense of community, but it won't happen if the kids don't feel welcome.

Children have no filter and are the windows to the truth. Chaz and I have learned this lesson on this journey. We determine who should be in our life by how the girls react to them. We have learned the girls pick up on way more then we do. So as a team we decide who we spend time with and it works very well.

We skype or facetime with our cuties everyday. It's been really fun listening to their day. I am jealous though. They are having so much fun with Grannie and I wish we were there. I know Grannie is cherishing her time with them. My mom and I talk about how pretty soon we won't be cool anymore so we better enjoy it while we've got it. ;)

So what are Chaz and I doing. Well we are spring cleaning. I am setting up their homeschool curriculum for the next school year. I am taking Advanced Taxation Part 2 and working on several tax returns. I am also trying to educate people on SCAADL so I can hopefully get it fixed so our service members aren't taxed for their injuries. Chaz is saving the world by playing numerous round of Battlefield 3 and Call of Duty. I may be lost without my cuties but we know this is only temporary and we'll be reunited soon. Chaz and I are enjoying our couple time while we can. I always say if you work on the couple every once in a while, the whole family will be even better. Something tells me I am right!