We had such a great day yesterday. The girls had stayed the night with the neighbors Wednesday night so Chaz and I could just get up and go run our errands. So we did. We took care of some TN business and then he wanted to go to Best Buy. By the way, he was on his legs the entire time (woot-woot). I had a lunch date set with a great friend and Chaz decided he and the girls needed Sonic since I was getting lunch out too. We took care of that and then headed home and then I took off with my friend.
I spent hours with my friend and her daughter and it was just awesome. We talked and talked and it was great. Being home and catching up with friends is exactly what the doctor ordered. Family and friends are the best medicine sometimes. We have enjoyed everyday of being home.
I came back home from lunch and decided that since it was so beautiful outside that meant it was a great day to pack up Christmas and put it all in the attic. Chaz's friend came over to get some computer assistance. Our family friends came over to visit and collect their mail that I had collected for them. As I was cleaning the house, Chaz informed me that he needed new shorts and I decided that I was going to buy a steam mop because our tile in the kitchen was disgusting. I told Deryn this was a great time for her and I to have Mommy and me time. Ryann doesn't like to shop, but Deryn does. So Deryn and I loaded up and went to Target.
As we were driving down the road she asked, "When do we have to go back to Maryland?" I told her the date. She then said, "Why can't we just stay here? Daddy is doing so great here." By the time I got to the parking lot of Target the tears were flowing. You know it is really hard to be 9 years old and go through all of this. You are just old enough to understand some of it, but not all of it. And you just want to be a kid. At our girls' ages, all you want it is to have fun with your friends, but instead they have to go back and forth and back and forth. It is hard on us, so I know it is hard on them too.
Our girls have just been awesome through all of this. What we are going through is a lot to deal with. Our cuties are just incredible and we are so proud of them. Ryann seems to be at the perfect age for all of this. However, it may just be her personality. She just goes with the flow. As long as you throw in some fun stuff every once in a while (which we do) then she is good. She doesn't seem to care where we are. Deryn is a little harder to deal with because she's 9, which I heard is the new 13. God Bless us all. Chaz and I are trying so hard to protect her childhood, but we can see how much she has grown up while dealing with all of this. She tells us it's not fair and then we have to remind her she is not the only one who is going through all of this. You can see it helps her to know that she is not alone.
Once we got to Target, she climbed up in the front seat of our car and we had a really good talk. I told her that when Daddy was first hurt they told us it would take at least 4 years to heal him and that if we were lucky he would be walking next year. I asked her if she remembered when Daddy took his first steps and she said. "Yes, the Monday that we came to see him." I said, "How long had he been hurt?" She said, "Not very long." I said, "It was less than two months. You see that's how much Daddy loves you. When they told us it would be 4 years your Daddy and I cried and cried and we decided 4 years was way too long and you girls deserved better. Daddy said that he was going to get us back home and that we were moving on. March 21, Daddy was only supposed to stand up, but no because you girls were there, he walked. You need to know Daddy is trying his best to put all of this behind us so we can all move on. And you need to know how much you girls help us move forward. We can't do it without you. You girls are Mommy and Daddy's best medicine. You need to know just having you with us makes everything better for us."
Of course that made her feel better. What I realized through our talk is that we need to try to come back to TN more often so she has some of her life back. I don't know how this will all work out, but we'll make it work out. So far we have made everything else work, so I know we can do this too.
We returned from Target and I finished cleaning the house, then I walked upstairs and curled up in my bed. I had had a very productive day, so I rewarded myself and I shut our bedroom door and enjoyed a movie all by myself. I knew the ending because I read the book and I cried. Chaz came in on the ending and said, "Is it that sad?" I waved him off, because it was almost over. Then I confessed yes it was sad, but I just needed a good cry. I then told him about my conversation with Deryn. I told him that he was accustomed to going back and forth because he had done it for 13 years, but the girls and I hadn't and we miss our lives. I miss my friends and our lunch dates and bunco and all the things I had before. I wake up everyday telling myself it's one day closer to the end. I channel my positive energy into helping other people because helping others helps me heal. But every once in a while you just have to sit down and cry. Thanks to a movie, I was having my moment. Of course my hubby just laughs at me. And yes I felt much better once I got it all out. I just hate knowing I am disappointing Deryn. But I know we are doing what is best for the girls.
We have made the best out of all of this. I have made some of the most amazing friends during this journey. I miss my DC/MD/VA friends now, but I know I will see them soon. I do not know when I'll see my TN friends again once we go back. Chaz and I have assimiliated very well into that environment, but it will never be home for us. We belong here. We really like it there, but this is home.
You know it's pretty messed up that while you're pregnant they check on you every month but once the kid is yours and they kick you out of the hospital, you don't have the help desk anymore. I really don't think many people know how to deal with all of this, but it would be nice. I truly believe Chaz and I have made all of the right decisions, but disappointing your children is never easy. As their parents you only want to bring them smiles. We have had way more smiles then tears in this family.I am so glad we have. I reminded Deryn about her gymnastic and horse riding lessons when we get back and that helped a lot. But one thing is for sure, being home and having our lives back shows us how ready we are for all of this back and forth to be over.
Friday, December 30, 2011
Thursday, December 29, 2011
The Perfect Thing in My Inbox This Morning....
| Nothing Can Hold You Back |
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| TODAY’S SCRIPTURE |
| “The righteous shall flourish like a palm tree...” |
| (Psalm 92:12, NKJ) |
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| TODAY’S WORD from Joel and Victoria |
Have you ever seen a palm tree in the midst of a great storm? That tree may be bent so far over that it’s almost touching the ground, but when the wind finally stops, that palm tree bounces right back up. What’s interesting is that while that palm tree is hunched over under the pressure of the storm, it is actually growing stronger? The reason God said we’d flourish like a palm tree is because He knew there would be difficult times. He knew things would come against us to try to steal our joy and victory. God said, “You’re going to be like a palm tree because when the storms of life blow, you are going to come right back up stronger than before.” Nothing can hold you back! No weapon formed against you will prosper. As you reflect on the events over the last year, remember, the storms you have encountered have only made you stronger. You are wiser, you are more alive, and you are headed for victory. You’re brightest days are right out in front of you! Always remember that with God on your side, nothing can hold you back! |
| |
| A PRAYER FOR TODAY |
| Father in heaven, thank You for making me strong in You. I trust that You are working in my life, even in the midst of the storms. I know You will bring me out stronger, wiser and better off than ever before in Jesus’ name. Amen. |
| — Joel & Victoria Osteen This was in my email this morning. I usually start my day with my quick emails from Joel Osteen. I know some people don't like Joel because he is so positive. However that is the exact reason I like him. I am as ridiculously positive as he is! Today's email was so absolutely perfect. I am so thankful for God's timing. He knew I needed this today. I am sharing this in case you need to be reminded of this too! Over the course of the 2011, I have felt like a Palm Tree so many times that I could not begin to count them all. I just didn't realize it until I read this. I have been pushed so far over I still can't believe I didn't break. Sure I have sat down and cried multiple times and I bet there are a few more times to come. Once I even stopped and went into the bathroom in the middle of the hospital and let a few tears out, because the stress of everything had gotten to me. But after every thing that has happened we have always been able to stand up and move on. There are days that I sit and think how do we do this? How are we still sane? The answer is simply God knows. He knows what we can handle we just have to trust in him. Letting go and bending with the wind is sometimes so impossibly hard. But God has shown me that is what we have to do. Things are not always going to go my way, they will go his way and we have to trust in that. If we bend like the Palm Tree God will see us through and he will help us become taller, stronger more beautiful trees. Now we just need to have a talk about us being trees in some place with a beach and lots of sun every once in a while! ;) I hope this email I received this morning blesses your day like it did mine! |
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
12-28-11 Update
I love having so many people who care about us. I have learned if I go 3 days without a post people begin to worry. I think that is so sweet and thoughtful of you all. I truly appreciate how much you all care about our little family. So let me update you.
First we are all four absolutely fabulous. We are just loving being home in our home. Chaz is spending his days playing on his computer and catching up with his friends. Since we pulled into the drive way our girls have had a revolving door of friends come through. So that keeps them really busy. I have been working on catching up with friends and getting my business closed out for 2011 and ready for 2012.
For those who don't know, Chaz loves computers. He is currently taking some certification classes with the Wounded Warrior Project while he is still at Bethesda. So he is applying what he has learned there to his computer here and looking to see what he can do to make it better, faster, etc. He also spends a lot of time helping his other friends online with their computer problems too. As for his health, he is great. His pain is under control and he is walking around just fine.
The girls are on a non-stop train of fun. They have had so many friends over to play and sleep overs I have lost count. We are letting them have as much fun as possible since their friends will be going back to school soon. The girls have friends who are their ages in the homes on both sides of us so they don't have to go very far to have lots of fun.
I have loved that fact that my crew acts like I don't cook in Maryland. They have cracked me up with their food orders. I don't know if it's just because we are home and they are finally thinking about it or what. Regardless I love it! I seriously have a list so long that we won't have repeats while we're here. We have made all of our favorite Christmas treats and as one of our random acts of kindness we took some to our friends who were here in Clarksville for the holidays.
We had a great Christmas day and Santa was very kind to our children. Chaz and I do not exchange gifts. We haven't in years. We let the girls pick something out for us, but we don't buy for each other. Santa did bring our family the game Jenga. Deryn was excited because and I quote, "Ms Stephanie, (Chaz's OT) let us play that together and that it is great exercise for Daddy's hand." I did brake the rule this year and I bought Chaz a 50-cal bottle opener from Bullets2Bandages.org because it was just too freaking cool. Chaz and I totally don't need anything this year (except a new house) so we only focus on the girls at Christmas.
We did get to have a great dinner and evening with another wounded warrior family the other night. The Kurtz family has family ties to Clarksville. So when we found out we would be in the same place at the same time we decided we needed to get together. We had them over for dinner and it was just awesome to have them in our home. We ate and laughed and it was just plain terrific to be in their presence and to be away from the hospital.
I have had a very lovely run in with my allergies. So I have been having fun trying out different meds to make it all at least calm down so I can breathe. I even went to bed at 6 on Christmas night. I woke up feeling much better and then dove in to taxes, taxes, taxes. I love my job and had to contact the IRS to find out what all I need to do to keep it going with my situation. I got those answers and now I just need to close out my books and back up files and finish out 2011.
As you can see we are just moving right along and are enjoying our stay in our home in Tennessee. It will be hard to return to Maryland, but we are not finished there yet. We will go back there and make the best of it. I am just so thankful for all of the wonderful people that we have in both places who make this journey so much easier!
First we are all four absolutely fabulous. We are just loving being home in our home. Chaz is spending his days playing on his computer and catching up with his friends. Since we pulled into the drive way our girls have had a revolving door of friends come through. So that keeps them really busy. I have been working on catching up with friends and getting my business closed out for 2011 and ready for 2012.
For those who don't know, Chaz loves computers. He is currently taking some certification classes with the Wounded Warrior Project while he is still at Bethesda. So he is applying what he has learned there to his computer here and looking to see what he can do to make it better, faster, etc. He also spends a lot of time helping his other friends online with their computer problems too. As for his health, he is great. His pain is under control and he is walking around just fine.
The girls are on a non-stop train of fun. They have had so many friends over to play and sleep overs I have lost count. We are letting them have as much fun as possible since their friends will be going back to school soon. The girls have friends who are their ages in the homes on both sides of us so they don't have to go very far to have lots of fun.
I have loved that fact that my crew acts like I don't cook in Maryland. They have cracked me up with their food orders. I don't know if it's just because we are home and they are finally thinking about it or what. Regardless I love it! I seriously have a list so long that we won't have repeats while we're here. We have made all of our favorite Christmas treats and as one of our random acts of kindness we took some to our friends who were here in Clarksville for the holidays.
We had a great Christmas day and Santa was very kind to our children. Chaz and I do not exchange gifts. We haven't in years. We let the girls pick something out for us, but we don't buy for each other. Santa did bring our family the game Jenga. Deryn was excited because and I quote, "Ms Stephanie, (Chaz's OT) let us play that together and that it is great exercise for Daddy's hand." I did brake the rule this year and I bought Chaz a 50-cal bottle opener from Bullets2Bandages.org because it was just too freaking cool. Chaz and I totally don't need anything this year (except a new house) so we only focus on the girls at Christmas.
We did get to have a great dinner and evening with another wounded warrior family the other night. The Kurtz family has family ties to Clarksville. So when we found out we would be in the same place at the same time we decided we needed to get together. We had them over for dinner and it was just awesome to have them in our home. We ate and laughed and it was just plain terrific to be in their presence and to be away from the hospital.
I have had a very lovely run in with my allergies. So I have been having fun trying out different meds to make it all at least calm down so I can breathe. I even went to bed at 6 on Christmas night. I woke up feeling much better and then dove in to taxes, taxes, taxes. I love my job and had to contact the IRS to find out what all I need to do to keep it going with my situation. I got those answers and now I just need to close out my books and back up files and finish out 2011.
As you can see we are just moving right along and are enjoying our stay in our home in Tennessee. It will be hard to return to Maryland, but we are not finished there yet. We will go back there and make the best of it. I am just so thankful for all of the wonderful people that we have in both places who make this journey so much easier!
Saturday, December 24, 2011
And So This Is Christmas....
I still can't believe only one year ago many of my friends and I were celebrating another deployed Christmas. After the first deployment, the rest of them just seemed so much easier to me. I remember crying the first Christmas Chaz was gone, but that because Deryn had just been born in September and I wanted him here with us. I guess holidays apart just became easier to handle was because I knew what to expect and how to handle them better. I learned to surround myself with joy and positivity so I didn't go crazy! But it never ceases to amaze me how fast time flies. I realized this morning, we finally tipped the scale! Chaz has been home for more Christmas celebrations then he has been gone. Now that scale is gone, he's ours from now on!
One year ago, my hubby and his guys were eating MREs and dodging bullets. Now he and his guys are back with their families and eating delicious home cooked meals. I am so thankful to have so many of our friends back with us this year. But my heart breaks knowing that there are families who are separated this year. My heart breaks knowing there are families spending Christmas in the hospital this year. My heart breaks knowing there are people spending Christmas alone.
I have had many of my civilian friends say, "I just don't know how you Army wives do it." I would tell them I made my decision a long time ago. I chose to take as many days God would give me with Chaz as opposed to never having him in my life at all. Yes we have given him up again and again, but no matter where he was, he was still in our lives and that's what made it all tolerable. I knew that one day I'd get to stop giving him up again and again, but I seriously thought we had 7 more years of Army fun and deployments. We never saw this all coming, but does anyone?!
I am so happy that last year was the last year Chaz will be separated from us. I wish I could give this gift to all of my military friends. I wish I could wave my magic wand and bring all of our troops home. But I can't, so our family will think about and pray for them all today. We will pray they find some peace and rest and a hot meal.
Tonight we will make our cookies for Santa and the girls will get their Christmas Eve pajamas. We'll all get our hot chocolate and curl up together. We will then tell our girls the real meaning and the story behind Christmas. We will tell them how the birth of one miracle child blessed our world. We will remind them how blessed we are to be together and that we are so blessed to have another Christmas together as a family. We will pause and focus on our blessings and we will make more Christmas memories together.
We hope you have a truly blessed and Merry Christmas!
One year ago, my hubby and his guys were eating MREs and dodging bullets. Now he and his guys are back with their families and eating delicious home cooked meals. I am so thankful to have so many of our friends back with us this year. But my heart breaks knowing that there are families who are separated this year. My heart breaks knowing there are families spending Christmas in the hospital this year. My heart breaks knowing there are people spending Christmas alone.
I have had many of my civilian friends say, "I just don't know how you Army wives do it." I would tell them I made my decision a long time ago. I chose to take as many days God would give me with Chaz as opposed to never having him in my life at all. Yes we have given him up again and again, but no matter where he was, he was still in our lives and that's what made it all tolerable. I knew that one day I'd get to stop giving him up again and again, but I seriously thought we had 7 more years of Army fun and deployments. We never saw this all coming, but does anyone?!
I am so happy that last year was the last year Chaz will be separated from us. I wish I could give this gift to all of my military friends. I wish I could wave my magic wand and bring all of our troops home. But I can't, so our family will think about and pray for them all today. We will pray they find some peace and rest and a hot meal.
Tonight we will make our cookies for Santa and the girls will get their Christmas Eve pajamas. We'll all get our hot chocolate and curl up together. We will then tell our girls the real meaning and the story behind Christmas. We will tell them how the birth of one miracle child blessed our world. We will remind them how blessed we are to be together and that we are so blessed to have another Christmas together as a family. We will pause and focus on our blessings and we will make more Christmas memories together.
We hope you have a truly blessed and Merry Christmas!
Thursday, December 22, 2011
11 months today....
11 months ago today, I did just like I did this morning. I woke up at 6am, took a shower, let the dog out and grabbed a cup of chai. But rather than auditing a clients' tax information I am blogging about how our lives have changed since that day.
It's crazy to me how 11 months ago today started out as just any other day. Two hours into it, I got the phone that changed it all. 11 months ago today, our lives as we knew them were drastically changed forever. January 22, was our Day Zero. It was a day full of tears and fears, that ended in me saying ok what's next?! When do I get to him, how does this all work?!
Over the past 11 months, Chaz and I have proven to our girls that when life throws you a curve ball, you swing your bat as hard as you can to knock that ball straight out of the park. We have shown them how you have to get back up and keep moving on. We have taught them that life is so great no matter what adversities are thrown your way.
Chaz has shown them the miracles of modern medicine and how when God puts the right people on your path you can get up and walk again. We have shown them that you cannot let physical disabilities stop you from leading a happy and full life. We have met the most amazing people on this journey and I know more will follow.
Everyday I am humbled by what all God has given to us. Chaz got to come home to us. We have been able to continue on with our happily ever after that we started many years ago. We have been blessed by the most amazing people who just want to make sure we move forward. We have learned so much about how the Army takes care of its soldiers and their families. We have learned so much about the amazing non-profits who work with the military to help the families wherever they may need it. Everyday to us is a reminder of how great our God is and I am so glad we can tell about his wonderful work in our lives.
It's crazy to me how 11 months ago today started out as just any other day. Two hours into it, I got the phone that changed it all. 11 months ago today, our lives as we knew them were drastically changed forever. January 22, was our Day Zero. It was a day full of tears and fears, that ended in me saying ok what's next?! When do I get to him, how does this all work?!
Over the past 11 months, Chaz and I have proven to our girls that when life throws you a curve ball, you swing your bat as hard as you can to knock that ball straight out of the park. We have shown them how you have to get back up and keep moving on. We have taught them that life is so great no matter what adversities are thrown your way.
Chaz has shown them the miracles of modern medicine and how when God puts the right people on your path you can get up and walk again. We have shown them that you cannot let physical disabilities stop you from leading a happy and full life. We have met the most amazing people on this journey and I know more will follow.
Everyday I am humbled by what all God has given to us. Chaz got to come home to us. We have been able to continue on with our happily ever after that we started many years ago. We have been blessed by the most amazing people who just want to make sure we move forward. We have learned so much about how the Army takes care of its soldiers and their families. We have learned so much about the amazing non-profits who work with the military to help the families wherever they may need it. Everyday to us is a reminder of how great our God is and I am so glad we can tell about his wonderful work in our lives.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
When?!
Another hard thing to deal with on this journey is the fact you just never know when the next whatever is going to happen. Which happens in every one's life, I know. But when you have dealt with life threatening issues for an extended period of time it is just nerve racking. I highly believe in distractions. I like to keep myself busy and focused on something positive so I don't sit around and worry all the time. I have a lot of energy and I have to keep it channeled into productive places.
Remember the old saying it's just the calm before the storm. One of my friends pointed out that I told her I had a feeling 2011 was going to be a crazy year. This was just before Chaz was injured. She reminded me of this the other day. We totally did have some clam before the storm and wow what a crazy storm that followed that calm. What a year it has been?! It has been full of whens since January 22. When do I get to talk to my husband? When will he be in the states? When do I get to see him? The questions just go on and on and the majority began with when.
The unknown can be a good or bad thing, depending on which way you look at it. Also it's depends also on what's happening. I have to admit that I fear I could become a hypochondriac when it comes to Chaz. How can you not be afraid of what else might happen to someone you love when you have already watched them go through so much? I stopped counting how many surgeries, units of blood, lab tests, x-rays, etc and etc a long time ago. To me keeping up with all of that was depressing me and it broke my heart to know that Chaz had to endure so much. I hated seeing him in so much pain, but I knew he was in good hands and the Army proved me absolutely correct.
Chaz will tell you I am an over protective, multi-tasking, OCD Mommy. And that I always have my guard up. I am always leery of new people to the ball game. I am also always looking for Plan A,B,C, D and every other letter (there are 26 letter in the alphabet after all) if necessary. I have a hard time trusting people and I am very careful with who gets close to us. I like to control as many things as possible, it's just my personality. I have learned to let go of a lot of control since going through all of this. I have learned that God is in control and he will lead me where I need to go, but I find it is still really hard to trust people. What's that old saying keep your friends close and your enemies closer. Yeah no, I'm good, I'll keep my great friends really close and those who want to hurt us can just go find a hobby.
One thing is for sure, I am so grateful for all the medical professionals that have come in our lives since January 22. If you have a question they are more than happy to answer it. Chaz's doctors that he had from the moment he arrived at WRAMC will still stop both or either of us in the hall and ask us questions about Chaz's healing. I appreciate that they have so much knowledge and they help us look out for problems that could occur. They are like our personalized medical tech support. I really love finding out that other patients are blessed with these doctors as well. It makes me feel great knowing they too have these great people on their team.
When you are thrown onto this roller coaster ride you seriously do not know when the next curve or flip is coming. We know Chaz will have to have another surgery on his elbow. We are still praying that he will still get an elbow. We were told at the beginning he was a perfect candidate for a cadaver replacement. But a different surgeon came along and said he wouldn't do it because he hadn't done it before. So Chaz decided we would just sit and wait. He really doesn't want a permanent fusion and who can blame him. Here's my opinion. The have come so far in the medical technology. I think if we just wait another option for his elbow will come. I think it is soon to throw in the towel and fuse his arm. We have talked to several medical professionals and they all agree. So we wait.
He fell at PT the other day right on that elbow and scared me to death. The X-rays showed it was fine. I am so glad that when he fell he was right there in front of his therapists and they sent him straight to X-ray. If you are going to fall, I think it's best to fall where you therapist can see you.
We know Chaz will have surgery on his legs when we go back to MD, but we don't know when. For those who don't know when you are amputated your bones still keep growing. One of Chaz's is growing like a horn and sometimes causes him pain. He says it's fine and the x-rays confirmed he didn't have to immediately have it cut out. He decided he's had enough surgeries for 2011, so he'll put that one of until 2012. He wanted to be in our home for the holidays and who could blame him.
Someone once said to me "I just don't know how you ladies do it." She said she had met moms, girlfriends, wives, etc and all were just so amazing. She claims she is too selfish to do all that we do. I told her I bet you would be just as amazing as the rest of us. I don't want you in this club with us, but I have no doubt you'd do just fine. She said she has to plan everything and would go nuts letting go of everything and not knowing when anything was going to happen. I told her I was like that. I liked to control as many pieces of my life as possible. But now I have learned that God's timing may not line up with my timing, his he knows what he's doing and I put my trust and faith in him and he hasn't lead me on a wrong path yet. It is hard to give up control of your life. But so far it has worked out way better that I ever imagined. We have a rule in this house, if you cannot put your hands on it to fix it, then it is not you problem to fix. You give it to God and he will sort it all out.
The truth is you never know what you can do until you are pushed to do it. You think you know how you would react, but you don't. You find out who you really are when you are pushed into the corner or forced out onto the edge. Everyone handles everything differently. I am so proud that I have been put through so many fires before January 22, 2011 because I can look back and realize that this is not so bad. Is it stressful, oh my goodness it's ridiculously stressful. Not knowing when is so annoying. We truly can't plan for anything. But as an Army wife you can't really plan things too far out because of the deployments. And we wives know that the Army likes to mess with our plans anyway. So we have different levels of plans and different ways of making everything work. We adapt and develop plans for in case Daddy is here and then make plans in case Daddy is not here. The good news is I don't have to make anymore if Daddy isn't here plans.
I have no idea when we will return to TN for good. I have no idea when the Army will be done with Chaz. I have no idea when his bones will stop growing. We can only plan about one month out at a time and even that is always subject to change at the last minute. I don't sit around dwelling on it. Instead I find things to do to keep me busy so I can distract myself from the frustration of the unknown.
One day this will all be behind us. One day we will be in a house that suits Chaz's needs. He'll have a job working with computers and I'll grow my business again. He and I will be the girls' non-stop taxi service as we drive them to all their activities and sleepovers. I just don't know when?!
Remember the old saying it's just the calm before the storm. One of my friends pointed out that I told her I had a feeling 2011 was going to be a crazy year. This was just before Chaz was injured. She reminded me of this the other day. We totally did have some clam before the storm and wow what a crazy storm that followed that calm. What a year it has been?! It has been full of whens since January 22. When do I get to talk to my husband? When will he be in the states? When do I get to see him? The questions just go on and on and the majority began with when.
The unknown can be a good or bad thing, depending on which way you look at it. Also it's depends also on what's happening. I have to admit that I fear I could become a hypochondriac when it comes to Chaz. How can you not be afraid of what else might happen to someone you love when you have already watched them go through so much? I stopped counting how many surgeries, units of blood, lab tests, x-rays, etc and etc a long time ago. To me keeping up with all of that was depressing me and it broke my heart to know that Chaz had to endure so much. I hated seeing him in so much pain, but I knew he was in good hands and the Army proved me absolutely correct.
Chaz will tell you I am an over protective, multi-tasking, OCD Mommy. And that I always have my guard up. I am always leery of new people to the ball game. I am also always looking for Plan A,B,C, D and every other letter (there are 26 letter in the alphabet after all) if necessary. I have a hard time trusting people and I am very careful with who gets close to us. I like to control as many things as possible, it's just my personality. I have learned to let go of a lot of control since going through all of this. I have learned that God is in control and he will lead me where I need to go, but I find it is still really hard to trust people. What's that old saying keep your friends close and your enemies closer. Yeah no, I'm good, I'll keep my great friends really close and those who want to hurt us can just go find a hobby.
One thing is for sure, I am so grateful for all the medical professionals that have come in our lives since January 22. If you have a question they are more than happy to answer it. Chaz's doctors that he had from the moment he arrived at WRAMC will still stop both or either of us in the hall and ask us questions about Chaz's healing. I appreciate that they have so much knowledge and they help us look out for problems that could occur. They are like our personalized medical tech support. I really love finding out that other patients are blessed with these doctors as well. It makes me feel great knowing they too have these great people on their team.
When you are thrown onto this roller coaster ride you seriously do not know when the next curve or flip is coming. We know Chaz will have to have another surgery on his elbow. We are still praying that he will still get an elbow. We were told at the beginning he was a perfect candidate for a cadaver replacement. But a different surgeon came along and said he wouldn't do it because he hadn't done it before. So Chaz decided we would just sit and wait. He really doesn't want a permanent fusion and who can blame him. Here's my opinion. The have come so far in the medical technology. I think if we just wait another option for his elbow will come. I think it is soon to throw in the towel and fuse his arm. We have talked to several medical professionals and they all agree. So we wait.
He fell at PT the other day right on that elbow and scared me to death. The X-rays showed it was fine. I am so glad that when he fell he was right there in front of his therapists and they sent him straight to X-ray. If you are going to fall, I think it's best to fall where you therapist can see you.
We know Chaz will have surgery on his legs when we go back to MD, but we don't know when. For those who don't know when you are amputated your bones still keep growing. One of Chaz's is growing like a horn and sometimes causes him pain. He says it's fine and the x-rays confirmed he didn't have to immediately have it cut out. He decided he's had enough surgeries for 2011, so he'll put that one of until 2012. He wanted to be in our home for the holidays and who could blame him.
Someone once said to me "I just don't know how you ladies do it." She said she had met moms, girlfriends, wives, etc and all were just so amazing. She claims she is too selfish to do all that we do. I told her I bet you would be just as amazing as the rest of us. I don't want you in this club with us, but I have no doubt you'd do just fine. She said she has to plan everything and would go nuts letting go of everything and not knowing when anything was going to happen. I told her I was like that. I liked to control as many pieces of my life as possible. But now I have learned that God's timing may not line up with my timing, his he knows what he's doing and I put my trust and faith in him and he hasn't lead me on a wrong path yet. It is hard to give up control of your life. But so far it has worked out way better that I ever imagined. We have a rule in this house, if you cannot put your hands on it to fix it, then it is not you problem to fix. You give it to God and he will sort it all out.
The truth is you never know what you can do until you are pushed to do it. You think you know how you would react, but you don't. You find out who you really are when you are pushed into the corner or forced out onto the edge. Everyone handles everything differently. I am so proud that I have been put through so many fires before January 22, 2011 because I can look back and realize that this is not so bad. Is it stressful, oh my goodness it's ridiculously stressful. Not knowing when is so annoying. We truly can't plan for anything. But as an Army wife you can't really plan things too far out because of the deployments. And we wives know that the Army likes to mess with our plans anyway. So we have different levels of plans and different ways of making everything work. We adapt and develop plans for in case Daddy is here and then make plans in case Daddy is not here. The good news is I don't have to make anymore if Daddy isn't here plans.
I have no idea when we will return to TN for good. I have no idea when the Army will be done with Chaz. I have no idea when his bones will stop growing. We can only plan about one month out at a time and even that is always subject to change at the last minute. I don't sit around dwelling on it. Instead I find things to do to keep me busy so I can distract myself from the frustration of the unknown.
One day this will all be behind us. One day we will be in a house that suits Chaz's needs. He'll have a job working with computers and I'll grow my business again. He and I will be the girls' non-stop taxi service as we drive them to all their activities and sleepovers. I just don't know when?!
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Home for Christmas
I really don't believe in advanced packing. I believe that if I pack too far ahead I just end up repacking. I truly wait until right before we leave. So yes Sunday night and Monday morning I was packing, packing and packing. I was able to get everything packed and ready to go and get our apartment cleaned. We loaded up with our neighbor in tow to head off to the airport. Our awesome neighbor took our van to the body shop to be repaired while we are home in Tennessee. Not sure if you all know, but I decided our van needed to meet a concrete pole. Yes that pole just jumped right out in front of me and yes it won. So it will get some MD-TLC while we are getting some TN-TLC.
A little bit of traffic and our hungry bellies got in our way, but we made it to the Manasses VA airport in perfect timing. We met our pilot's son and he helped get us into the tarmac and drive right up to the plane to unload our van and pack up the plane. Once again we took a Veterans Airlift Command flight home. If you know a wounded warrior family please let them know about Veterans Airlift Command. These amazing Americans give up their time, money and resources to help our families get places quicker. Their services are open to all veterans who were wounded while serving in Iraq or Afghanistan. You can learn more about them today at http://www.veteransairlift.org/ so take a minute and check them out!
VA 
KY We got home to our beautiful home that my mom and friend's church had cleaned up. Our friend's church raked all of our leaves, trimmed back our bushes and made our home look picture perfect. Mom added the decorations and made it look like a Christmas card.
We came inside and brought our things in, but our girls' friends who live on each side of us we waiting patiently to play. Our girls were inside our home for about 5 minutes, if that, before running out to play with their friends. I went through our house and just thought how great it feels to be home. Then I went to my desk....
This is what three months of mail looks like, except our friend who watches our home was kind enough to throw away all of the junk mail. So I sat down for a few minutes and went through and was able to throw some more of it away. Of course I had to open the boxes. Here's what I found...
I found new Christmas Stockings that my friend and fellow Kappa Delta sister made for our family to have this year. 
Then I discovered a little box with handmade ornaments that my Great Aunt Martha Sue had made for us. Both of these were great surprises to have on our first day back! Then Deryn and I went to her Girl Scout Christmas Party and got to catch up with our friends. Her fellow Girl Scouts were so excited to see her. She has been skyping in with them for months now. But last night she got to giggle with them in person. De and I returned home from scouts and then with Grannie's help we decorated our tree. I forgot to get Chaz's picture. He was sitting off to the side supervising!
We had a great first night back home. Chaz had to rest up a little after the flight. Traveling wears him out way more then it did before. Then of course he had to spend time catching up with his cyber buddies.
There was one Allen family member who was very, very excited to see us and to be home too and that's our dog, Arf. Our cat, Callee, still lives with my sister and Callee does not travel very well. I am not sure when she will be able to join us. But one thing is for sure having as many pieces of your life back together under the same roof makes everything so much better.
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